It’s been a while since I’ve visited or written in this blog. Can’t say as though the reason for that is because I met all my weight loss goals and life is perfect. Sounds good, but no, that’s not the case. I have been doing YouTube videos on occasion still. Things get busy and I just don’t take the time to write even though I find that writing is very therapeutic and something I enjoy.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of depression again. I don’t like it. I’ve been going to counseling since January. I started because of the feelings I was having after my dad passed away in November of 2011. It’s been over a year since his passing already. Time flies. In March, my good friend Heidi passed away. I think that is what really triggered more grief. Losing a parent is difficult. I won’t lie. But there’s something different about losing a best friend who is close in age. Heidi was like a sister. I loved her to bits. I often tried helping her too. She had a lot of pain in her life. She liked to drink and take a lot of pills trying to relieve herself of the pain. She dealt with all of this for months. Finally she was diagnosed with MS. Things went down quickly from there. I’m not sure why and will never know, but she wandered away from her daughter’s house one evening and was found face down in a pond the next day. That day was my daughter’s birthday, March 7. I cried. I was angry too because I wasn’t able to help her…she didn’t let me come over when I asked. I offered. I did. I think she had too much pride and didn’t want me seeing her in the condition she was. It was a tough time though. In July, my dog and her puppies died. Another loss. So in the last year, this loss has triggered a lot of grief. I never fully grieved the loss of my mom (passed in 2006). In August, my husband had some weird feelings in his chest and I got so scared. I ended up having panic/anxiety attacks. I had never had anything like this before and it scared me and my husband and daughter too. I ended up having time off work for a good 6 to 8 weeks. I’m now back to work, but I have to admit, it’s a bit tough. I’ve been having headaches almost daily. I think I can safely say, that my job just doesn’t fit anymore. My heart isn’t here and I just don’t feel very happy. I’ve decided to pursue returning to school. That’s as long as I can get financial aid because I certainly can’t afford it otherwise. I haven’t completely decided what I’ll take, but I’m thinking career move. I’ve even been looking at a bible college. Talk about different! Right now, I work in the Information Technology field. The other thought was business or web design. But, I don’t know. That didn’t seem to spark my heart when I thought about it.
As far as my weight….it’s horrible. I got on that scale this morning (fully clothed) and was 297 lbs. I wanted to cry quite honestly. I’m so close to 300 it’s painful. I’ll admit that the depression and hormones being so out of whack is having a big effect on all of it. There are times when I never feel full or satisfied. One would never even know I had weight loss surgery once upon a time. I’m trying hard not to feel like a fail. I know there are some other things factoring in here. Depression and Obesity are both diseases and they certainly don’t play well together. One feeds off the other quite literally. Both run in my family too. I should feel good about the fact that I (unlike those before me) am really trying to break the cycle. I really don’t want to see my kids struggle so much with depression. I haven’t been placing a lot of focus on the weight lately because I want to work through the depression. Counseling has been helping. I’m currently working on a book called “Making Peace with your Parents”. I’ve been identifying and dealing with a long list of resentments with my dad. It’s not been easy, but it’s been helpful. One might think that once your parent has passed on, everything is good and you can feel free. Perhaps some feel that way. But not me. I was still carrying around fear of my dad.
I like to believe that once I get through a lot of this grieving and find some inner peace, then I can naturally begin to lose weight. I feel like my body is hanging on to it for reasons I don’t quite understand. I do know that my body isn’t thrilled. My feet always hurt and I’ve been having these headaches, etc. I think I need to keep blogging again. Writing just may be some good medicine.
Take care and have yourself a good day. I’ll be back.
Peace.Love.Smiles
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Blog - Grief - Loss
First of all let me apologize for sending people on some sort of wild goose chase as it relates to blogs. Grr…I just can’t seem to make up my mind. I think I’ll stick with this where I am for a while. This is after all meant as a place for me to come and write. Vent. Air my feelings. Etc. I will slowly start to make this blog more about life in general than just weight loss. While I still struggle with weight…I also have other struggles at times. Life. I want to live healthy. I want to be happy. I need to work through the depression and the anxiety.
A lot has gone on in the last week. Tuesday, Mar. 6 my very dear friend whom I have called a sister for some time went missing. She was found Wednesday, Mar. 7 face down in a local pond. She was dead. I was completely devastated, shattered, confused, angry, and sad. My husband and others searched all night and into the morning. They had the search and rescue team out scouring town. I felt so helpless at home. I cried a lot and prayed for her safe return. Mar. 7 I had to work, and was so tired because I hadn’t slept all night. As I worked (or tried), the search continued…several friends and family members scoured town. I prayed all day “God forbid anything terrible or tragic come of this…especially not today as it’s my daughter’s birthday”. Right about 5 p.m. as I got into my car to leave for the day, my phone rang. My husband on the other end; “Honey, they found her. It’s not good.” I will never forget the words. My response: “When you say not good, you mean she’s dead?” “Yes.” Tears followed. I was concerned of course for the kids. How are they? They were doing pretty well. I had to gather strength from somewhere to drive to the police station where everyone was gathered. I’ll never forget the scene. At least 2 local news channels were set up doing their reports. I pulled into the crowd. Got out of the car and went to my husband and kids. I cried. So many were crying. So many…confused. Why did this happen. How? We just didn’t get it. Heidi was a wonderful, caring person. I called her sister. She called me sister. I miss her so much and have shed so many tears in the last week. This morning I drove into the cemetery with plans to stop and visit with Heidi. When I got there, I noticed my sister in law there…sitting at the grave on a blanket. I couldn’t intrude on their time. Heidi was my sister in law’s partner for a while. But they had broken up. Heidi was heartbroken over this. Now with Heidi’s death, my sister in law is heartbroken. I can only assume that she may feel some guilt. When I saw her there, I proceeded out of the cemetery, but the feelings overwhelmed me. I can’t even explain them exactly. My sister in law is trying to heal and feels some remorse perhaps. I said a prayer. I cried. I cried some more. I had to stop alongside the road on my trip to work and just gaze at the sunrise while tears streamed my cheeks. Help me. Help her. Help us. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other, I’m trying to move forward. Dear Heidi…I miss you. I love you. You will forever be my sister. I am trying to find comfort and hoping that you indeed are an angel looking out for us all. This is not easy. Just the week before I had counseling as I’m trying to go through the grieving process for my dad who passed away in November. This is not easy. But I’m not giving up on my health.
Peace. Love. Smiles,
HD
A lot has gone on in the last week. Tuesday, Mar. 6 my very dear friend whom I have called a sister for some time went missing. She was found Wednesday, Mar. 7 face down in a local pond. She was dead. I was completely devastated, shattered, confused, angry, and sad. My husband and others searched all night and into the morning. They had the search and rescue team out scouring town. I felt so helpless at home. I cried a lot and prayed for her safe return. Mar. 7 I had to work, and was so tired because I hadn’t slept all night. As I worked (or tried), the search continued…several friends and family members scoured town. I prayed all day “God forbid anything terrible or tragic come of this…especially not today as it’s my daughter’s birthday”. Right about 5 p.m. as I got into my car to leave for the day, my phone rang. My husband on the other end; “Honey, they found her. It’s not good.” I will never forget the words. My response: “When you say not good, you mean she’s dead?” “Yes.” Tears followed. I was concerned of course for the kids. How are they? They were doing pretty well. I had to gather strength from somewhere to drive to the police station where everyone was gathered. I’ll never forget the scene. At least 2 local news channels were set up doing their reports. I pulled into the crowd. Got out of the car and went to my husband and kids. I cried. So many were crying. So many…confused. Why did this happen. How? We just didn’t get it. Heidi was a wonderful, caring person. I called her sister. She called me sister. I miss her so much and have shed so many tears in the last week. This morning I drove into the cemetery with plans to stop and visit with Heidi. When I got there, I noticed my sister in law there…sitting at the grave on a blanket. I couldn’t intrude on their time. Heidi was my sister in law’s partner for a while. But they had broken up. Heidi was heartbroken over this. Now with Heidi’s death, my sister in law is heartbroken. I can only assume that she may feel some guilt. When I saw her there, I proceeded out of the cemetery, but the feelings overwhelmed me. I can’t even explain them exactly. My sister in law is trying to heal and feels some remorse perhaps. I said a prayer. I cried. I cried some more. I had to stop alongside the road on my trip to work and just gaze at the sunrise while tears streamed my cheeks. Help me. Help her. Help us. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other, I’m trying to move forward. Dear Heidi…I miss you. I love you. You will forever be my sister. I am trying to find comfort and hoping that you indeed are an angel looking out for us all. This is not easy. Just the week before I had counseling as I’m trying to go through the grieving process for my dad who passed away in November. This is not easy. But I’m not giving up on my health.
Peace. Love. Smiles,
HD
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Struggles
This weightloss journey hasn't been an easy one I must say. I never thought it would be easy I guess, but I have to admit that there are times when I just get frustrated. I've been at a pretty stagnant weight for a year now. I'm sure that part of this is due to the fact that I hit times of frustration and choose to just eat pretty much whatever. These are the thoughts I have sometimes... "I'm just sick of trying so hard and getting nowhere (or what feels like nowhere anyway)." "They don't keep track of their food intake, they don't exercise." "This sucks and life should be more fun and not suck so bad." "Why am I putting myself through all of this...why don't I just enjoy more?" These among others are what I get to thinking. I'm kind of there again. It seems that I know how to maintain really well. But truth is, I'm not at a healthy weight right now and I need to lose again. So am I getting in too many calories or am I not exercising enough. I have not figured out the magic formula for myself. I will be honest that I really don't want to give up everything. I think things can be enjoyed in moderation and that it's the safest way. If I totally deny myself, I think I'd end up overeating and binging on it later. So...I'm going to keep tracking with the Lose-It application. I'm going to try staying under the 1324 calorie budget. I want to work on increasing exercise, getting back to the gym because summer is over and I pay $95 per month for it. I'm going to start water aerobics twice a week, and work in other cardio and strength as well. I get really hungry from working out. So I also gotta work on healthy and filling snacks too. Right now I feel such a lack of energy. Why? I think it has to do with my husband losing his job and feeling the affects of the reduced income. We were scraping by when both of us were working. Now, I'm just a little stressed and scared. I'm in the middle of this storm and I know this will pass. I know I'm not given anything more than what I can handle and I know that I will be stronger when the storm has passed. It's just a difficult time right now. But I'm really trying to put up a good fight.
More later,
Dottie♥
More later,
Dottie♥
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Emotions
Here it is a few days later and I'm still battling the emotions. Trying to fully understand why I do the things I do. Why I lose interest in exercising when not so long ago I was loving it and couldn't go a day without. Why I'm choosing to eat that chocolate or a bit of popcorn knowing that it's not the best choice. These are things that I know can be harmful because they'll trigger further cravings. Then, I'll end up over indulging in such food choices. Emotional things happen. Nothing will change that. So, what I need to do is find healthier ways of dealing with those times. Pardon me, while I address myself here - but you are more than welcome to read and also take note.
Right now, with my dad being so ill and facing death, and my husband just losing his job are causing some emotional stress. But did that candybar you ate last night help anything at all? Seriously? Think about that. Sure, it tasted good. But is your dad doing any better, did hubby suddenly find a job, did your emotions about either of those things actually change? The answer..."NO". For one brief little moment perhaps, you felt good as the chocolately smoothness melted in your mouth. But that feeling swiftly went away. And, not long after you felt like crap. Hmmm...is there a lesson to be learned here.
How about instead we find something better to do in these times of emotional stress. It doesn't have to involve exercise or activity, but it's a good idea. Instead of popping that candybar, how about doing some crunches or lifting some weights. If it's still daylight, take a walk. Do something you can do, not something that will discourage. A walk is an excellent choice since you love nature so much. Not only will the fresh air make you feel better, but you'll have time to think and reflect, talk with God (because that's something I do), even talk with relatives that are no longer here (just like you talk with God). The activity of the walk will also do your body and mind good. You'll feel so much better. And, don't forget that pedometer because seeing that number add up makes one feel good too! Something else you can do is go look through some photo albums and reminisce of past family times together. I'm sure there are great photos of times when dad was healthier and active. Recall those times and enjoy the memories you've built. Ok, so perhaps there aren't too many fond memories of dad because your relationship wasn't the greatest. So instead, how about thinking about the relationship you have with your own kids. How do you want that to be in 10-20 years? What do you want to be in that time? My guess is you want to be healthy and active and give yourself a shot at living a nice long life - right? Well...are poor eating choices and lack of exercise going to do that for you (or even give you that chance)? Probably not. Sooo...what should you do? Well I say, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and remember and focus on what it is you want and what will help you get there. Sure, it isn't up to us when our time is up on this earth. However, wouldn't you rather spend the time you have living the most fabulous life and enjoying it rather than struggling with weight. Follow the active and healthy lifestyle you know and the success of weight loss will follow. Food choices, exercise and mental are all a part of the process. If you're not happy, you're not going to do really well. Get it together and let's go!
Who's in this? YOU are!! (me too)
P.S. I expect to see some positive updates going forward. :)
Peace - Love - Smiles
Dottie
Right now, with my dad being so ill and facing death, and my husband just losing his job are causing some emotional stress. But did that candybar you ate last night help anything at all? Seriously? Think about that. Sure, it tasted good. But is your dad doing any better, did hubby suddenly find a job, did your emotions about either of those things actually change? The answer..."NO". For one brief little moment perhaps, you felt good as the chocolately smoothness melted in your mouth. But that feeling swiftly went away. And, not long after you felt like crap. Hmmm...is there a lesson to be learned here.
How about instead we find something better to do in these times of emotional stress. It doesn't have to involve exercise or activity, but it's a good idea. Instead of popping that candybar, how about doing some crunches or lifting some weights. If it's still daylight, take a walk. Do something you can do, not something that will discourage. A walk is an excellent choice since you love nature so much. Not only will the fresh air make you feel better, but you'll have time to think and reflect, talk with God (because that's something I do), even talk with relatives that are no longer here (just like you talk with God). The activity of the walk will also do your body and mind good. You'll feel so much better. And, don't forget that pedometer because seeing that number add up makes one feel good too! Something else you can do is go look through some photo albums and reminisce of past family times together. I'm sure there are great photos of times when dad was healthier and active. Recall those times and enjoy the memories you've built. Ok, so perhaps there aren't too many fond memories of dad because your relationship wasn't the greatest. So instead, how about thinking about the relationship you have with your own kids. How do you want that to be in 10-20 years? What do you want to be in that time? My guess is you want to be healthy and active and give yourself a shot at living a nice long life - right? Well...are poor eating choices and lack of exercise going to do that for you (or even give you that chance)? Probably not. Sooo...what should you do? Well I say, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and remember and focus on what it is you want and what will help you get there. Sure, it isn't up to us when our time is up on this earth. However, wouldn't you rather spend the time you have living the most fabulous life and enjoying it rather than struggling with weight. Follow the active and healthy lifestyle you know and the success of weight loss will follow. Food choices, exercise and mental are all a part of the process. If you're not happy, you're not going to do really well. Get it together and let's go!
Who's in this? YOU are!! (me too)
P.S. I expect to see some positive updates going forward. :)
Peace - Love - Smiles
Dottie
Friday, October 21, 2011
Emotions and Derailment
I stepped on that awful scale this morning. Why? Not sure. I knew I'd see a gain...a number I wouldn't be happy with. It was true. 267 displayed across the screen. Ugh. I can't be upset about it though because when you don't exercise as much and you're eating not so great...the scale will reflect the behavior.
My dad having cancer and knowing he will not get better is obviously affecting me emotionally on very large levels. I still feel numb really. I feel sad though too. I did want to cry this morning after getting on the scale. I've also had a headache for days. It's been raining and cold weatherwise. And it's Shark Week (that Time of Month). It's all raining down on me. And it's quite evident that when it comes to eating, I'm not as strong as I'd like to be.
This week, I've consumed things I shouldn't be. Soda pop, burgers, french fries, chicken nuggets, plenty of chocolate. Now I'm not saying that I can't ever have stuff like this, but I should be limiting it for certain.
There was a time earlier in the year, beginning of summer maybe, when exercise was a passion, healthy food, nutrition, fitness, etc. All of it was a passion. If I didn't get to exercise, I was upset. Of course, all through that time, I didn't lose any weight. But I still exercised and enjoyed it. It's pretty much been in the last couple weeks since finding out about my dad that this train of fitness has derailed.
The thing is though...I need to get the emotions in check because I don't want to gain anymore weight back. I don't want to fail. I don't want to have to go back on blood sugar or blood pressure meds. I don't want any of that. I certainly don't want to see 300 again. So, even with all the emotional stuff going on, I need to find strength. I need to make the right choices, I need to exercise. Even though my dad's life is coming to a close, doesn't mean mine should. Something as tough as this even shouldn't be an excuse to allow myself to treat myself so poorly.
Why do we do this? Why do I do this? The junk food certainly isn't helping anything! The lack of exercise isn't helping anything.It's not making dad better and it's not making you better! Yes, now I'm talking to myself! Think about this! What do you want? Think about this, your mom passed away at the age of 56 due to morbid obesity related issues. You hated seeing her in that condition. It hurt you. Your dad, age 60 is basically dying of lung cancer that has traveled to the brain. He spent a life of smoking and drinking and drugs. (Luckily you didn't get into any of that). However, food was your drug. You've got that addictive behavior gene. You need to listen to the mind and focus. You need to remember that you are worth it. Yes, it is hard work. No, you can not give up. You can not ever give up. NGU!
What do you want?
I want to be healthy.
I don't want to die young.
I don't want my kids to see me suffering from morbid obesity related issues.
I want to be fit.
I want to be muscular and active.
I want to have grandkids one day and see them graduate high school.
I want to be under 200 lbs.
I want to be able to run.
I want to be able to jump and dance.
I want to LIVE.
Make a plan that you can stick to and go for it. These things can be yours. YOU have to want it enough. YOU have to work for it. Are you a coward? Are you afraid? You're NOT and you shouldn't be!! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF MISS DOTTIE MAY!
A very good friend shared this video with me...it's quite awesome. To that friend...you're awesome and I thank God for you.
My dad having cancer and knowing he will not get better is obviously affecting me emotionally on very large levels. I still feel numb really. I feel sad though too. I did want to cry this morning after getting on the scale. I've also had a headache for days. It's been raining and cold weatherwise. And it's Shark Week (that Time of Month). It's all raining down on me. And it's quite evident that when it comes to eating, I'm not as strong as I'd like to be.
This week, I've consumed things I shouldn't be. Soda pop, burgers, french fries, chicken nuggets, plenty of chocolate. Now I'm not saying that I can't ever have stuff like this, but I should be limiting it for certain.
There was a time earlier in the year, beginning of summer maybe, when exercise was a passion, healthy food, nutrition, fitness, etc. All of it was a passion. If I didn't get to exercise, I was upset. Of course, all through that time, I didn't lose any weight. But I still exercised and enjoyed it. It's pretty much been in the last couple weeks since finding out about my dad that this train of fitness has derailed.
The thing is though...I need to get the emotions in check because I don't want to gain anymore weight back. I don't want to fail. I don't want to have to go back on blood sugar or blood pressure meds. I don't want any of that. I certainly don't want to see 300 again. So, even with all the emotional stuff going on, I need to find strength. I need to make the right choices, I need to exercise. Even though my dad's life is coming to a close, doesn't mean mine should. Something as tough as this even shouldn't be an excuse to allow myself to treat myself so poorly.
Why do we do this? Why do I do this? The junk food certainly isn't helping anything! The lack of exercise isn't helping anything.It's not making dad better and it's not making you better! Yes, now I'm talking to myself! Think about this! What do you want? Think about this, your mom passed away at the age of 56 due to morbid obesity related issues. You hated seeing her in that condition. It hurt you. Your dad, age 60 is basically dying of lung cancer that has traveled to the brain. He spent a life of smoking and drinking and drugs. (Luckily you didn't get into any of that). However, food was your drug. You've got that addictive behavior gene. You need to listen to the mind and focus. You need to remember that you are worth it. Yes, it is hard work. No, you can not give up. You can not ever give up. NGU!
What do you want?
I want to be healthy.
I don't want to die young.
I don't want my kids to see me suffering from morbid obesity related issues.
I want to be fit.
I want to be muscular and active.
I want to have grandkids one day and see them graduate high school.
I want to be under 200 lbs.
I want to be able to run.
I want to be able to jump and dance.
I want to LIVE.
Make a plan that you can stick to and go for it. These things can be yours. YOU have to want it enough. YOU have to work for it. Are you a coward? Are you afraid? You're NOT and you shouldn't be!! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF MISS DOTTIE MAY!
A very good friend shared this video with me...it's quite awesome. To that friend...you're awesome and I thank God for you.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Been Awhile
I enjoy writing so why don't I visit and update this blog more often? Perhaps it's all the other social media websites available now. Facebook, You Tube, Google+ the list goes on. I am on Facebook and I also do vlogging on YouTube. I've been doing a daily video for over 260 days. At times, that feels like a part time job in and of itself.
At times, I wish I could make money off YouTube or blogging. I imagine perhaps I could if I had something of interest that drew people in. I just seem to lack that though.
If by some small chance there is anyone that still reads this, have you wondered about me? Curious how my weight loss is going? Well, I'll do a little update I guess.
Truth is, I haven't lost any weight since last November. I've been tossing around the same 3 lbs or so. Can we say plateau...or perhaps just really good at maintaining. I do exercise still but I'm either eating too much or too little. Perhaps some weeks I'm just not exercising enough. I really haven't figured out the perfect formula for me. And now, some emotional stuff as surfaced and things are just difficult.
I found out my dad has been dealing with lung cancer for a year now. A year! And nobody but his wife and doctors knew. He didn't want anyone knowing. In the last month, it was discovered that his cancer has spread to his brain. Latest scans show no improvement. Doctors will not be doing chemo. He has been given about 6 months. But one never really knows. I worry because we are going into winter when more illness goes around. In his weakened state, a simple cold wouldn't be so simple. Now, my dad and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. He was a pot smoker and drug dealer and emotional/verbal abuser. I did not respect him for his drug dealing or using. And as a result when I became an adult I distanced myself. I also kept my kids from him most of the time as I didn't want them exposed to any of that. We did do our birthday and holiday visits, but that was pretty much it. Now, none of this takes away the feelings of hurt and sadness that I feel as a result of his condition and eventual death. Being my last living parent, it's tough. Perhaps it's even tougher because of the poor relationship. Do I feel guilty? Should I? I kind of do and at times feel like I was a less than adequate daughter. However, being emotionally and verbally abused is not something one should have to expect from their father either. That is all in the past and I have made strides to have a relationship with my dad. I can feel good about that.
I've been doing well not turning to food for comfort. However, when I do eat, it's not always the best choice. And, when I'm dealing with that Time of Month...it's worse. I tend to eat more chocolate...it's like I become obsessed or something at times.
I'm trying to get a handle on my emotions right now. Many times, I feel numb. Other times I feel I could cry at the drop of a hat. And then other times I feel somewhat strong. There's no doubt a part of me is hurting. I think it's time to rebirth this blog and start writing more. While I do vlogging, sometimes it's hard to get it all out in a video talking to a camera. If there is anyone that reads this, I'd appreciate a comment to let me know you still follow.
Currently...at work. Feeling: kind of numb.
Peace - Love - Smiles
Dottie
At times, I wish I could make money off YouTube or blogging. I imagine perhaps I could if I had something of interest that drew people in. I just seem to lack that though.
If by some small chance there is anyone that still reads this, have you wondered about me? Curious how my weight loss is going? Well, I'll do a little update I guess.
Truth is, I haven't lost any weight since last November. I've been tossing around the same 3 lbs or so. Can we say plateau...or perhaps just really good at maintaining. I do exercise still but I'm either eating too much or too little. Perhaps some weeks I'm just not exercising enough. I really haven't figured out the perfect formula for me. And now, some emotional stuff as surfaced and things are just difficult.
I found out my dad has been dealing with lung cancer for a year now. A year! And nobody but his wife and doctors knew. He didn't want anyone knowing. In the last month, it was discovered that his cancer has spread to his brain. Latest scans show no improvement. Doctors will not be doing chemo. He has been given about 6 months. But one never really knows. I worry because we are going into winter when more illness goes around. In his weakened state, a simple cold wouldn't be so simple. Now, my dad and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. He was a pot smoker and drug dealer and emotional/verbal abuser. I did not respect him for his drug dealing or using. And as a result when I became an adult I distanced myself. I also kept my kids from him most of the time as I didn't want them exposed to any of that. We did do our birthday and holiday visits, but that was pretty much it. Now, none of this takes away the feelings of hurt and sadness that I feel as a result of his condition and eventual death. Being my last living parent, it's tough. Perhaps it's even tougher because of the poor relationship. Do I feel guilty? Should I? I kind of do and at times feel like I was a less than adequate daughter. However, being emotionally and verbally abused is not something one should have to expect from their father either. That is all in the past and I have made strides to have a relationship with my dad. I can feel good about that.
I've been doing well not turning to food for comfort. However, when I do eat, it's not always the best choice. And, when I'm dealing with that Time of Month...it's worse. I tend to eat more chocolate...it's like I become obsessed or something at times.
I'm trying to get a handle on my emotions right now. Many times, I feel numb. Other times I feel I could cry at the drop of a hat. And then other times I feel somewhat strong. There's no doubt a part of me is hurting. I think it's time to rebirth this blog and start writing more. While I do vlogging, sometimes it's hard to get it all out in a video talking to a camera. If there is anyone that reads this, I'd appreciate a comment to let me know you still follow.
Currently...at work. Feeling: kind of numb.
Peace - Love - Smiles
Dottie
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Things to Think About
Hi there. Did you think I fell off the face of the earth?
Well, the good news is – not completely. The bad news is…I’ve gained weight back and have been dealing with some mild depression again. I’m back to feeling like my job stinks, which makes going difficult. I also have been having knee pain which is limiting me in activity and I believe is part of the reason for gaining weight back. I’m back up to 362. I’m really quite frustrated. I did get an MRI and had a visit with a orthopedic specialist; however, bottom line is there is nothing that can be done right now. I’m too heavy!! Can I just cry now? On top of that, my father in law passed away last Tuesday.
How did I deal with all this? Well, I went to an orientation to learn more about the various weight loss surgeries that are available. I have never been one to really opt for surgery, but I think I’m to a point where I feel like it’s the best route. It’s my hope that by getting some weight off rather quickly will help the knee and allow me to be more active. My husband had the Roux En Y Gastric Bypass surgery in 2002 and he did very well. So I went to the same place for orientation. My insurance will cover it. There will be some out of pocket costs, but hopefully not too terribly much. I’m quite nervous of course and I keep praying for guidance in this decision. I tell myself that yes there is a risk, but isn’t there a risk with living at my present weight as well? I’m not sure which surgery will be right for me. I know one that I won’t do is the lap band. But the others that are available aside from the Gastric Bypass are the sleeve and the Duodenal Switch. I still need to do some researching. One site I will visit is Obesity Help
The journey is just beginning again…I pray that this is the right road. Right now…I feel like it is.
Well, the good news is – not completely. The bad news is…I’ve gained weight back and have been dealing with some mild depression again. I’m back to feeling like my job stinks, which makes going difficult. I also have been having knee pain which is limiting me in activity and I believe is part of the reason for gaining weight back. I’m back up to 362. I’m really quite frustrated. I did get an MRI and had a visit with a orthopedic specialist; however, bottom line is there is nothing that can be done right now. I’m too heavy!! Can I just cry now? On top of that, my father in law passed away last Tuesday.
How did I deal with all this? Well, I went to an orientation to learn more about the various weight loss surgeries that are available. I have never been one to really opt for surgery, but I think I’m to a point where I feel like it’s the best route. It’s my hope that by getting some weight off rather quickly will help the knee and allow me to be more active. My husband had the Roux En Y Gastric Bypass surgery in 2002 and he did very well. So I went to the same place for orientation. My insurance will cover it. There will be some out of pocket costs, but hopefully not too terribly much. I’m quite nervous of course and I keep praying for guidance in this decision. I tell myself that yes there is a risk, but isn’t there a risk with living at my present weight as well? I’m not sure which surgery will be right for me. I know one that I won’t do is the lap band. But the others that are available aside from the Gastric Bypass are the sleeve and the Duodenal Switch. I still need to do some researching. One site I will visit is Obesity Help
The journey is just beginning again…I pray that this is the right road. Right now…I feel like it is.
Friday, August 28, 2009
I Fell Off and I'm Disappointed
The last month (at least), I've been feeling down and I don't know why. I'm not able to explain it. I don't understand it. Every now and then, I would just sit and cry. I couldn't bring myself to get on the scale either; hence the reason I haven't been on here in a while. Well... I just weighed myself and disappointed to report that I have gained. I'm back up to 349. Not cool. I just wish I knew what the deal is. A few months back, I was feeling so good. I was in great moods and everything. Things seemed to finally be looking up and then....something happened. I derailed. Pretty hard it seems. I still want to cry. What I need to do those is get this big fat caboose back up and hooked up to the train and get back on track.
I've been trying to evaluate things to see if I can figure out why I've been feeling the way I do and I just haven't figured it out. I'm quite frustrated about it. I recently signed up for a Disciple class at church. It starts on September 13. I'm hoping that becoming stronger spiritually will help. At times, I find myself really missing my mom and my grandparents. Seeing them, hugging them talking to them and hearing their laughter. I look at my kids and see how fast they are growing and I get scared of the time when they are both out of high school and out on their own. My life has been all about them. I love them so much and it seems so weird to think of them out on their own. I'm so emotional. It's so hard for me to think more about myself. I think that is part of my problem too. I've always put focus on the others (my husband or kids, my work, everything....but me). I find it hard to put so much thought into myself. Why is that? Does it stem from my poor self esteem that I've dealt with since childhood? Can I not get away from that awful nickname my dad use to call me (Porky). Do I feel a need somewhere deep within to live up to that nickname? Why do I have such a difficult time seeing that I'm a child of God and worth so much? I'm really hoping the Disciple class will help in many ways.
It's really no fun being so sad feeling. Time is flying so fast. I really need to start enjoying this blessing that is my life. With that I'll be saying a prayer...for myself as well.
I hope that you are doing better than I have been doing.
God Bless
♥ Dottie
I've been trying to evaluate things to see if I can figure out why I've been feeling the way I do and I just haven't figured it out. I'm quite frustrated about it. I recently signed up for a Disciple class at church. It starts on September 13. I'm hoping that becoming stronger spiritually will help. At times, I find myself really missing my mom and my grandparents. Seeing them, hugging them talking to them and hearing their laughter. I look at my kids and see how fast they are growing and I get scared of the time when they are both out of high school and out on their own. My life has been all about them. I love them so much and it seems so weird to think of them out on their own. I'm so emotional. It's so hard for me to think more about myself. I think that is part of my problem too. I've always put focus on the others (my husband or kids, my work, everything....but me). I find it hard to put so much thought into myself. Why is that? Does it stem from my poor self esteem that I've dealt with since childhood? Can I not get away from that awful nickname my dad use to call me (Porky). Do I feel a need somewhere deep within to live up to that nickname? Why do I have such a difficult time seeing that I'm a child of God and worth so much? I'm really hoping the Disciple class will help in many ways.
It's really no fun being so sad feeling. Time is flying so fast. I really need to start enjoying this blessing that is my life. With that I'll be saying a prayer...for myself as well.
I hope that you are doing better than I have been doing.
God Bless
♥ Dottie
Friday, May 8, 2009
This Week's Weigh In
I have today off work and so I have a little time to do an update! Yay!
It looks mighty beautiful outside. The birds are chirping - I love that sound by the way. The sun is shining! In my opinion, it's pretty perfect. I have a lot planned today. I have to get my fasting blood work done this afternoon. No food for me yet today. I can handle it *wink*.
I weighed in Tuesday afternoon and I was down another 2 lbs. Hip Hip Hooray! I can't even begin to convey how much happier I am that I'm finally doing this and making it work. In our group meeting this week, we talked about urges. It was the Behaviorist presenting and asking us questions. We had to draw on a Human Body Outline what an urge looks like to us. Guess what I drew? A piece of pizza. I love pizza much like Garfield loves his lasagna I guess. It is probably one thing that if it's there, I will eat some. I'm glad I've been learning this moderation thing :) Anyway, pizza is an urge for me. My redirection for those urges.. I drew a camera. I love taking pictures and the beauty of the resulting image. It's a sense of pride - I took that! I've added some more pictures recently to my Flickr account. Check it out if you'd like :) My Photos - and feel free to comment if you'd like. Some of the earlier ones aren't the greatest quality, but I'm getting better.
Ok, back to the urges. Why do they exist? That was the next question. I learned that there are three main reasons: 1. Habit, 2. Biological (i.e. that time of the month) and 3.)Psychological and of course number 3 is the major reason for an urge. Why do you suppose that is? Urges are not about physical hunger. Overeating behavior is usually about some unmet need - a lot of us seek food in an attempt to fill that unmet need. Some of the warning signs of unmet needs:
1. Low self-esteem (yup that was definitely me)
2. Poor communication skills - difficult expressing needs and wants (yup..me again)
3. Lack of motivation (for some things...yup)
4. Depression (oh yeah...definitely)
5. Unusually high stress reactions - a level 10 response to a level 2 event. (probably... if you count crying a lot as a reaction to something)
6. Loneliness (yes, at times even though I have a husband and beautiful kids..I did feel lonliness at times)
7. Feeling a "loss of control" in life (I probably didn't think so at the time, but looking back..yup I was not in control)
By the way - they say urges last 10 to 15 minutes. So..that's why I pick up the camera. Doing that, takes my mind off the urges.
In my case, it was all about the depression and not taking control. I feared a lot. I didn't think I could do it. But once I took the first step to get help...there's no stopping me now. When there is depression involved, you really need to find help to begin the journey of weight loss. Help can come in all shapes and forms. My help and kick in the pants was going through the MMPC Weightloss program. I also started going to church and learning about God. I didn't have that growing up. By the way, singing is a great stress reliever too. I sing in the church choir now and I'm having fun with it. Building new friendships has been a huge help with the weight loss effort. They cheer for me each week when I share my successes. Someone like me who has always dealt with poor self-esteem and depression really needs that cheering and pat on the back. It makes me smile and feel worth it. It's a boost for the self-esteem. It's like a natural high!
So you there...reading this...do you have your cheering section? Do you deal with self-esteem issues or depression? Do you have urges?
Til the next time I post..peace and love.
♥ Dottie
It looks mighty beautiful outside. The birds are chirping - I love that sound by the way. The sun is shining! In my opinion, it's pretty perfect. I have a lot planned today. I have to get my fasting blood work done this afternoon. No food for me yet today. I can handle it *wink*.
I weighed in Tuesday afternoon and I was down another 2 lbs. Hip Hip Hooray! I can't even begin to convey how much happier I am that I'm finally doing this and making it work. In our group meeting this week, we talked about urges. It was the Behaviorist presenting and asking us questions. We had to draw on a Human Body Outline what an urge looks like to us. Guess what I drew? A piece of pizza. I love pizza much like Garfield loves his lasagna I guess. It is probably one thing that if it's there, I will eat some. I'm glad I've been learning this moderation thing :) Anyway, pizza is an urge for me. My redirection for those urges.. I drew a camera. I love taking pictures and the beauty of the resulting image. It's a sense of pride - I took that! I've added some more pictures recently to my Flickr account. Check it out if you'd like :) My Photos - and feel free to comment if you'd like. Some of the earlier ones aren't the greatest quality, but I'm getting better.
Ok, back to the urges. Why do they exist? That was the next question. I learned that there are three main reasons: 1. Habit, 2. Biological (i.e. that time of the month) and 3.)Psychological and of course number 3 is the major reason for an urge. Why do you suppose that is? Urges are not about physical hunger. Overeating behavior is usually about some unmet need - a lot of us seek food in an attempt to fill that unmet need. Some of the warning signs of unmet needs:
1. Low self-esteem (yup that was definitely me)
2. Poor communication skills - difficult expressing needs and wants (yup..me again)
3. Lack of motivation (for some things...yup)
4. Depression (oh yeah...definitely)
5. Unusually high stress reactions - a level 10 response to a level 2 event. (probably... if you count crying a lot as a reaction to something)
6. Loneliness (yes, at times even though I have a husband and beautiful kids..I did feel lonliness at times)
7. Feeling a "loss of control" in life (I probably didn't think so at the time, but looking back..yup I was not in control)
By the way - they say urges last 10 to 15 minutes. So..that's why I pick up the camera. Doing that, takes my mind off the urges.
In my case, it was all about the depression and not taking control. I feared a lot. I didn't think I could do it. But once I took the first step to get help...there's no stopping me now. When there is depression involved, you really need to find help to begin the journey of weight loss. Help can come in all shapes and forms. My help and kick in the pants was going through the MMPC Weightloss program. I also started going to church and learning about God. I didn't have that growing up. By the way, singing is a great stress reliever too. I sing in the church choir now and I'm having fun with it. Building new friendships has been a huge help with the weight loss effort. They cheer for me each week when I share my successes. Someone like me who has always dealt with poor self-esteem and depression really needs that cheering and pat on the back. It makes me smile and feel worth it. It's a boost for the self-esteem. It's like a natural high!
So you there...reading this...do you have your cheering section? Do you deal with self-esteem issues or depression? Do you have urges?
Til the next time I post..peace and love.
♥ Dottie
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Week 7 Update
I weighed in on Tuesday and was down another 8.2 lbs. for the week. We had some warmer weather this past weekend and I spent a lot of time on Sunday raking leaves. I was so impressed with how well I did. I probably raked for 4 hours on and off. Last year at this time, I couldn't even rake a straight half hour or hour probably without having to sit down due to pain in the knees/feet. I could feel that I might have a loss this week, but I was absolutely bouncing off the walls when the scale showed me those numbers 360.2!! My total since the end of January is 34 lbs. If I go by what I weighed at my last physical in November, then I've lost a total of 40 lbs. I'm SOOO proud of myself. I never thought I had it in me to be so dedicated.
Something that I'm finding that I truly believe...there are three keys to being successful. 1) diet 2) exercise and 3) behavioral (mentally ready). I truly believe that if you aren't ready to deal with the demons causing the wounds resulting in depression, then there's the chance that it'll be difficult to stick with the diet and exercise part of it. At least, that's how it's been for me. Losing the weight I have so far, has made me sit and think... "why haven't I been able to do this before?" It seems so easy. Well... I was never quite strong enough to talk about or deal with the way my dad talked to me when I was a kid. I've always feared my dad, but at the same time, I took everything he said to me to heart (so to speak). He would call me porky. Every time I did something, he'd tell me to "stop acting like your mother and grow up." He'd tease me about being chunky. I didn't like it then of course, but as a young kid...what do you do? (my parents were divorced by the way). The verbal/emotional abuse I took as a kid caused me to have serious issues with self esteem. Over the years, it just escalated. I came to believe that I was not worth much. One of the exercises I had to do in one of the behavioral group sessions was to list 10 Things I Like About Me. I had to think about that. Here's what I put:
1. I'm kind and caring
2. Can be funny
3. I'm smart
4. I'm hard-working (at my job)
5. I'm pretty good at photography
6. I'm a pretty good mom.
That was it. I started to look at things differently and deal with the wounds caused by my dad. I had to find it in myself to forgive. I've left group crying a few times.
Another thing I've done is found things to do when I started to feel sad or down about something. That's where the photography came in. It's amazing the self satisfaction that can come with a beautiful picture of nature that you took.
I feel like I'm finally understanding the full me and that I'm worth every ounce of energy and work that I put into being fit.
I will succeed and hopefully be able to share that success with others. I'd love to think I could help someone else out along the way. I don't like the idea of anyone having to feel the pain of not only being overweight, but the emotional burdens that often accompany it. It really hurts.
Please know you are worth your efforts. You can do this! And so can I!
♥ Dottie
Something that I'm finding that I truly believe...there are three keys to being successful. 1) diet 2) exercise and 3) behavioral (mentally ready). I truly believe that if you aren't ready to deal with the demons causing the wounds resulting in depression, then there's the chance that it'll be difficult to stick with the diet and exercise part of it. At least, that's how it's been for me. Losing the weight I have so far, has made me sit and think... "why haven't I been able to do this before?" It seems so easy. Well... I was never quite strong enough to talk about or deal with the way my dad talked to me when I was a kid. I've always feared my dad, but at the same time, I took everything he said to me to heart (so to speak). He would call me porky. Every time I did something, he'd tell me to "stop acting like your mother and grow up." He'd tease me about being chunky. I didn't like it then of course, but as a young kid...what do you do? (my parents were divorced by the way). The verbal/emotional abuse I took as a kid caused me to have serious issues with self esteem. Over the years, it just escalated. I came to believe that I was not worth much. One of the exercises I had to do in one of the behavioral group sessions was to list 10 Things I Like About Me. I had to think about that. Here's what I put:
1. I'm kind and caring
2. Can be funny
3. I'm smart
4. I'm hard-working (at my job)
5. I'm pretty good at photography
6. I'm a pretty good mom.
That was it. I started to look at things differently and deal with the wounds caused by my dad. I had to find it in myself to forgive. I've left group crying a few times.
Another thing I've done is found things to do when I started to feel sad or down about something. That's where the photography came in. It's amazing the self satisfaction that can come with a beautiful picture of nature that you took.
I feel like I'm finally understanding the full me and that I'm worth every ounce of energy and work that I put into being fit.
I will succeed and hopefully be able to share that success with others. I'd love to think I could help someone else out along the way. I don't like the idea of anyone having to feel the pain of not only being overweight, but the emotional burdens that often accompany it. It really hurts.
Please know you are worth your efforts. You can do this! And so can I!
♥ Dottie
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Am I Allergic to My Job?
I've been pretty tired lately. Could it be the mild depression? Maybe? But I'm not really convinced because I seem to notice it the most when I am at work. On the weekends, I'm fine! But on the days I know I have to go to work, I literally drag in the morning. I suppose my diet could have something to do with it as well. Gosh, is it just me or does everything always seem to revolve around the diet. What you eat, what you don't eat. Grr.. Maybe the diet is making me depressed! Maybe I'll just be in this never ending vicious circle forever. It really feels like that sometimes. I seriously sit and wonder why I was chosen to be overweight. Will I have something great and positive to share with others. Will I one day realize my dream of being thin and fit? It surely doesn't feel like it right now.
My job isn't too terrible, but it's not what I would call my dream job or anything. I do it because I need the money. I can't quit to do something else because I'm overweight and we all know that it doesn't go well in an interview. Companies discriminate whether they admit it or not. So I'm stuck. When I think about a dream job... is there one? I don't know. I think I'd like to do something from home on a part time basis. Photography and making cards - stamping, that kind of thing comes to mind. I also thought maybe web design would be okay. I did start school for that at one time, but I had to quit for personal reasons. I was a bit disappointed about that. There's times too that I wish I would've continued with playing the clarinet beyond high school and maybe learned the saxophone. I could be a saxophone playing clown doing gigs at school parties now and then. Oh I don't know. I just feel like the job I have now - sitting in an office building in a 6 x 8 cube (not positive on dimensions)for 8 hours is choking the life out of me! I have no motivation most of time to move (exercise). Ugh..
The holidays are upon us and I'm doing okay with it. I of course miss the holiday parties that use to occur when my grandparents and my mom were alive. Its amazing how much impact a family tradition has. I miss them terribly. I am looking forward to some time off work and being able to spend it with my kids though. That will be fun.
I'm not sure when I'll be back on again so just in case.. I wish you all Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, etc. Enjoy your time with your families and friends.
♥ Dottie
My job isn't too terrible, but it's not what I would call my dream job or anything. I do it because I need the money. I can't quit to do something else because I'm overweight and we all know that it doesn't go well in an interview. Companies discriminate whether they admit it or not. So I'm stuck. When I think about a dream job... is there one? I don't know. I think I'd like to do something from home on a part time basis. Photography and making cards - stamping, that kind of thing comes to mind. I also thought maybe web design would be okay. I did start school for that at one time, but I had to quit for personal reasons. I was a bit disappointed about that. There's times too that I wish I would've continued with playing the clarinet beyond high school and maybe learned the saxophone. I could be a saxophone playing clown doing gigs at school parties now and then. Oh I don't know. I just feel like the job I have now - sitting in an office building in a 6 x 8 cube (not positive on dimensions)for 8 hours is choking the life out of me! I have no motivation most of time to move (exercise). Ugh..
The holidays are upon us and I'm doing okay with it. I of course miss the holiday parties that use to occur when my grandparents and my mom were alive. Its amazing how much impact a family tradition has. I miss them terribly. I am looking forward to some time off work and being able to spend it with my kids though. That will be fun.
I'm not sure when I'll be back on again so just in case.. I wish you all Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, etc. Enjoy your time with your families and friends.
♥ Dottie
Thursday, November 13, 2008
It's Hit Again...Depression
The commercials that advertise "Depression hurts..." are so true. It does. I had been doing fine for a while, but in the last month or so I've noticed my moods jumping around..pain increasing now and then. I just didn't feel right. I had my annual physical last week so I brought it up to the doctor. It turns out she feels that I'm going through some depression again. She put me back on some meds and hopefully that will help the moods. I don't like feeling this way. I get so sad and just can't snap out of it. I'm thinking it has to do with the holidays fast approaching and my mom not being around anymore. She passed away in 2006. You'd think maybe by now it wouldn't seem so bad, but I still struggle.
I haven't gone to weight watchers in a few weeks now and have no idea how much I weigh. I'm really just concerned with getting my moods stabilized. Aside from going to work, I've been spending some time doing my scrapbooking and making cards. Being crafty (or attempting it anyway) seems to help me relax.
I hope you all are doing better.. I will try to visit some of your blogs and offer some encouragement.
Take care,
Dottie
I haven't gone to weight watchers in a few weeks now and have no idea how much I weigh. I'm really just concerned with getting my moods stabilized. Aside from going to work, I've been spending some time doing my scrapbooking and making cards. Being crafty (or attempting it anyway) seems to help me relax.
I hope you all are doing better.. I will try to visit some of your blogs and offer some encouragement.
Take care,
Dottie
Monday, February 25, 2008
Been a Long Time
It's been so long since I've posted here and for a while I thought I was going to give up this blog. I also have another one I post to. However, lately I've been bothered by my weight. Not like that is anything new by any means. But, my knees have REALLY (can I say it or emphasize that any more) been bothering me. Some times, it's to the point of tears. Many mornings I awake and just want to roll over and go back to sleep. Going to work is the last thing I wanna do. My knees aching have slowed me way down. It's really taking its toll. It's starting to bring the rest of me down. Depression has arrived. I'm going to see the doctor Monday afternoon. I just may discuss the Gastric Bypass Surgery. Granted, surgery scares me, but on the same token so does the thought of not being able to walk anymore or do other things because my weight is limiting my existence. I really have tried to lose weight and have been successful short term, but then something happens in the family and I fall...and it spirals into failure...and the depression kicks in again. It's almost like a very vicious circle. I've got to do something about it. If there is anyone that reads this blog, do you have any thoughts on the surgery? I'm interested in your opinions.
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