Blog - Grief - Loss

First of all let me apologize for sending people on some sort of wild goose chase as it relates to blogs. Grr…I just can’t seem to make up my mind. I think I’ll stick with this where I am for a while. This is after all meant as a place for me to come and write. Vent. Air my feelings. Etc. I will slowly start to make this blog more about life in general than just weight loss. While I still struggle with weight…I also have other struggles at times. Life. I want to live healthy. I want to be happy. I need to work through the depression and the anxiety.


A lot has gone on in the last week. Tuesday, Mar. 6 my very dear friend whom I have called a sister for some time went missing. She was found Wednesday, Mar. 7 face down in a local pond. She was dead. I was completely devastated, shattered, confused, angry, and sad. My husband and others searched all night and into the morning. They had the search and rescue team out scouring town. I felt so helpless at home. I cried a lot and prayed for her safe return. Mar. 7 I had to work, and was so tired because I hadn’t slept all night. As I worked (or tried), the search continued…several friends and family members scoured town. I prayed all day “God forbid anything terrible or tragic come of this…especially not today as it’s my daughter’s birthday”. Right about 5 p.m. as I got into my car to leave for the day, my phone rang. My husband on the other end; “Honey, they found her. It’s not good.” I will never forget the words. My response: “When you say not good, you mean she’s dead?” “Yes.” Tears followed. I was concerned of course for the kids. How are they? They were doing pretty well. I had to gather strength from somewhere to drive to the police station where everyone was gathered. I’ll never forget the scene. At least 2 local news channels were set up doing their reports. I pulled into the crowd. Got out of the car and went to my husband and kids. I cried. So many were crying. So many…confused. Why did this happen. How? We just didn’t get it. Heidi was a wonderful, caring person. I called her sister. She called me sister. I miss her so much and have shed so many tears in the last week. This morning I drove into the cemetery with plans to stop and visit with Heidi. When I got there, I noticed my sister in law there…sitting at the grave on a blanket. I couldn’t intrude on their time. Heidi was my sister in law’s partner for a while. But they had broken up. Heidi was heartbroken over this. Now with Heidi’s death, my sister in law is heartbroken. I can only assume that she may feel some guilt. When I saw her there, I proceeded out of the cemetery, but the feelings overwhelmed me. I can’t even explain them exactly. My sister in law is trying to heal and feels some remorse perhaps. I said a prayer. I cried. I cried some more. I had to stop alongside the road on my trip to work and just gaze at the sunrise while tears streamed my cheeks. Help me. Help her. Help us. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other, I’m trying to move forward. Dear Heidi…I miss you. I love you. You will forever be my sister. I am trying to find comfort and hoping that you indeed are an angel looking out for us all. This is not easy. Just the week before I had counseling as I’m trying to go through the grieving process for my dad who passed away in November. This is not easy. But I’m not giving up on my health.

Peace. Love. Smiles,

HD