Heavy Heart

Last night was the first decent amount of exercise I’ve gotten in two weeks. I did some jump roping. I wasn’t sure how well I’d do considering it was last summer when I jump roped last. My first try was about 37 skips so I was pretty impressed. Jump roping isn’t easy, especially when my feet hurt so much as it is. Throw this flabby tummy in and it just is uncomfortable. I’m sure I will have some bruises. I think I did about 5 or 6 sets of as many skips as I could. My heart was definitely pounding. After that, my daughter and I went for a little bike ride. We did just about 4 miles. It was already nearing darkness so we didn’t want to be gone too long. The ride was enjoyable and helped me feel better physically somewhat. Prior to this, I was feeling quite lazy and quite crabby too.


Later in the evening, I started to miss and think about all my loved ones that have passed; my mom, my dad, my father in law, my grandparents and great-grandparents. My heart was so heavy. My dad and my father in law both still have a Facebook page so I posted something to their walls. I was crying like crazy and releasing some emotion for sure. Of course, Heidi who was the most recent death and one that hit so incredibly hard. I’m the type that with each death I’ve experienced I analyze and try to figure out the lesson I’m supposed to gain from this. Why was Heidi taken at such a young age? She was 46 at time of death (March 6), but would turn 47 on March 17. I don’t know if this helps me, but at times it seems to. I’ve read that there are 10 stages of grief. Right now, I feel as though I’m all over the board. My heart is somewhere in every stage. I’m not sure if that makes sense. But with my dad’s death still quite recent, that brought back emotions of my mom’s death and now Heidi’s death really has shaken and stirred my world so much. In memory of Heidi, I will be participating in a local MS walk in May.

My heart remains so heavy and I am beginning to think that’s why my weight has gone up and isn’t going down so much; well that and the lack of exercise, the emotions, etc.

I am trying to be strong. I am putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. It is not easy some days.

Peace. Love. Smiles