It’s been a while since I’ve visited or written in this blog. Can’t say as though the reason for that is because I met all my weight loss goals and life is perfect. Sounds good, but no, that’s not the case. I have been doing YouTube videos on occasion still. Things get busy and I just don’t take the time to write even though I find that writing is very therapeutic and something I enjoy.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of depression again. I don’t like it. I’ve been going to counseling since January. I started because of the feelings I was having after my dad passed away in November of 2011. It’s been over a year since his passing already. Time flies. In March, my good friend Heidi passed away. I think that is what really triggered more grief. Losing a parent is difficult. I won’t lie. But there’s something different about losing a best friend who is close in age. Heidi was like a sister. I loved her to bits. I often tried helping her too. She had a lot of pain in her life. She liked to drink and take a lot of pills trying to relieve herself of the pain. She dealt with all of this for months. Finally she was diagnosed with MS. Things went down quickly from there. I’m not sure why and will never know, but she wandered away from her daughter’s house one evening and was found face down in a pond the next day. That day was my daughter’s birthday, March 7. I cried. I was angry too because I wasn’t able to help her…she didn’t let me come over when I asked. I offered. I did. I think she had too much pride and didn’t want me seeing her in the condition she was. It was a tough time though. In July, my dog and her puppies died. Another loss. So in the last year, this loss has triggered a lot of grief. I never fully grieved the loss of my mom (passed in 2006). In August, my husband had some weird feelings in his chest and I got so scared. I ended up having panic/anxiety attacks. I had never had anything like this before and it scared me and my husband and daughter too. I ended up having time off work for a good 6 to 8 weeks. I’m now back to work, but I have to admit, it’s a bit tough. I’ve been having headaches almost daily. I think I can safely say, that my job just doesn’t fit anymore. My heart isn’t here and I just don’t feel very happy. I’ve decided to pursue returning to school. That’s as long as I can get financial aid because I certainly can’t afford it otherwise. I haven’t completely decided what I’ll take, but I’m thinking career move. I’ve even been looking at a bible college. Talk about different! Right now, I work in the Information Technology field. The other thought was business or web design. But, I don’t know. That didn’t seem to spark my heart when I thought about it.
As far as my weight….it’s horrible. I got on that scale this morning (fully clothed) and was 297 lbs. I wanted to cry quite honestly. I’m so close to 300 it’s painful. I’ll admit that the depression and hormones being so out of whack is having a big effect on all of it. There are times when I never feel full or satisfied. One would never even know I had weight loss surgery once upon a time. I’m trying hard not to feel like a fail. I know there are some other things factoring in here. Depression and Obesity are both diseases and they certainly don’t play well together. One feeds off the other quite literally. Both run in my family too. I should feel good about the fact that I (unlike those before me) am really trying to break the cycle. I really don’t want to see my kids struggle so much with depression. I haven’t been placing a lot of focus on the weight lately because I want to work through the depression. Counseling has been helping. I’m currently working on a book called “Making Peace with your Parents”. I’ve been identifying and dealing with a long list of resentments with my dad. It’s not been easy, but it’s been helpful. One might think that once your parent has passed on, everything is good and you can feel free. Perhaps some feel that way. But not me. I was still carrying around fear of my dad.
I like to believe that once I get through a lot of this grieving and find some inner peace, then I can naturally begin to lose weight. I feel like my body is hanging on to it for reasons I don’t quite understand. I do know that my body isn’t thrilled. My feet always hurt and I’ve been having these headaches, etc. I think I need to keep blogging again. Writing just may be some good medicine.
Take care and have yourself a good day. I’ll be back.
Peace.Love.Smiles
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Heavy Heart
Last night was the first decent amount of exercise I’ve gotten in two weeks. I did some jump roping. I wasn’t sure how well I’d do considering it was last summer when I jump roped last. My first try was about 37 skips so I was pretty impressed. Jump roping isn’t easy, especially when my feet hurt so much as it is. Throw this flabby tummy in and it just is uncomfortable. I’m sure I will have some bruises. I think I did about 5 or 6 sets of as many skips as I could. My heart was definitely pounding. After that, my daughter and I went for a little bike ride. We did just about 4 miles. It was already nearing darkness so we didn’t want to be gone too long. The ride was enjoyable and helped me feel better physically somewhat. Prior to this, I was feeling quite lazy and quite crabby too.
Later in the evening, I started to miss and think about all my loved ones that have passed; my mom, my dad, my father in law, my grandparents and great-grandparents. My heart was so heavy. My dad and my father in law both still have a Facebook page so I posted something to their walls. I was crying like crazy and releasing some emotion for sure. Of course, Heidi who was the most recent death and one that hit so incredibly hard. I’m the type that with each death I’ve experienced I analyze and try to figure out the lesson I’m supposed to gain from this. Why was Heidi taken at such a young age? She was 46 at time of death (March 6), but would turn 47 on March 17. I don’t know if this helps me, but at times it seems to. I’ve read that there are 10 stages of grief. Right now, I feel as though I’m all over the board. My heart is somewhere in every stage. I’m not sure if that makes sense. But with my dad’s death still quite recent, that brought back emotions of my mom’s death and now Heidi’s death really has shaken and stirred my world so much. In memory of Heidi, I will be participating in a local MS walk in May.
My heart remains so heavy and I am beginning to think that’s why my weight has gone up and isn’t going down so much; well that and the lack of exercise, the emotions, etc.
I am trying to be strong. I am putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. It is not easy some days.
Peace. Love. Smiles
Later in the evening, I started to miss and think about all my loved ones that have passed; my mom, my dad, my father in law, my grandparents and great-grandparents. My heart was so heavy. My dad and my father in law both still have a Facebook page so I posted something to their walls. I was crying like crazy and releasing some emotion for sure. Of course, Heidi who was the most recent death and one that hit so incredibly hard. I’m the type that with each death I’ve experienced I analyze and try to figure out the lesson I’m supposed to gain from this. Why was Heidi taken at such a young age? She was 46 at time of death (March 6), but would turn 47 on March 17. I don’t know if this helps me, but at times it seems to. I’ve read that there are 10 stages of grief. Right now, I feel as though I’m all over the board. My heart is somewhere in every stage. I’m not sure if that makes sense. But with my dad’s death still quite recent, that brought back emotions of my mom’s death and now Heidi’s death really has shaken and stirred my world so much. In memory of Heidi, I will be participating in a local MS walk in May.
My heart remains so heavy and I am beginning to think that’s why my weight has gone up and isn’t going down so much; well that and the lack of exercise, the emotions, etc.
I am trying to be strong. I am putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. It is not easy some days.
Peace. Love. Smiles
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Emotions
Here it is a few days later and I'm still battling the emotions. Trying to fully understand why I do the things I do. Why I lose interest in exercising when not so long ago I was loving it and couldn't go a day without. Why I'm choosing to eat that chocolate or a bit of popcorn knowing that it's not the best choice. These are things that I know can be harmful because they'll trigger further cravings. Then, I'll end up over indulging in such food choices. Emotional things happen. Nothing will change that. So, what I need to do is find healthier ways of dealing with those times. Pardon me, while I address myself here - but you are more than welcome to read and also take note.
Right now, with my dad being so ill and facing death, and my husband just losing his job are causing some emotional stress. But did that candybar you ate last night help anything at all? Seriously? Think about that. Sure, it tasted good. But is your dad doing any better, did hubby suddenly find a job, did your emotions about either of those things actually change? The answer..."NO". For one brief little moment perhaps, you felt good as the chocolately smoothness melted in your mouth. But that feeling swiftly went away. And, not long after you felt like crap. Hmmm...is there a lesson to be learned here.
How about instead we find something better to do in these times of emotional stress. It doesn't have to involve exercise or activity, but it's a good idea. Instead of popping that candybar, how about doing some crunches or lifting some weights. If it's still daylight, take a walk. Do something you can do, not something that will discourage. A walk is an excellent choice since you love nature so much. Not only will the fresh air make you feel better, but you'll have time to think and reflect, talk with God (because that's something I do), even talk with relatives that are no longer here (just like you talk with God). The activity of the walk will also do your body and mind good. You'll feel so much better. And, don't forget that pedometer because seeing that number add up makes one feel good too! Something else you can do is go look through some photo albums and reminisce of past family times together. I'm sure there are great photos of times when dad was healthier and active. Recall those times and enjoy the memories you've built. Ok, so perhaps there aren't too many fond memories of dad because your relationship wasn't the greatest. So instead, how about thinking about the relationship you have with your own kids. How do you want that to be in 10-20 years? What do you want to be in that time? My guess is you want to be healthy and active and give yourself a shot at living a nice long life - right? Well...are poor eating choices and lack of exercise going to do that for you (or even give you that chance)? Probably not. Sooo...what should you do? Well I say, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and remember and focus on what it is you want and what will help you get there. Sure, it isn't up to us when our time is up on this earth. However, wouldn't you rather spend the time you have living the most fabulous life and enjoying it rather than struggling with weight. Follow the active and healthy lifestyle you know and the success of weight loss will follow. Food choices, exercise and mental are all a part of the process. If you're not happy, you're not going to do really well. Get it together and let's go!
Who's in this? YOU are!! (me too)
P.S. I expect to see some positive updates going forward. :)
Peace - Love - Smiles
Dottie
Right now, with my dad being so ill and facing death, and my husband just losing his job are causing some emotional stress. But did that candybar you ate last night help anything at all? Seriously? Think about that. Sure, it tasted good. But is your dad doing any better, did hubby suddenly find a job, did your emotions about either of those things actually change? The answer..."NO". For one brief little moment perhaps, you felt good as the chocolately smoothness melted in your mouth. But that feeling swiftly went away. And, not long after you felt like crap. Hmmm...is there a lesson to be learned here.
How about instead we find something better to do in these times of emotional stress. It doesn't have to involve exercise or activity, but it's a good idea. Instead of popping that candybar, how about doing some crunches or lifting some weights. If it's still daylight, take a walk. Do something you can do, not something that will discourage. A walk is an excellent choice since you love nature so much. Not only will the fresh air make you feel better, but you'll have time to think and reflect, talk with God (because that's something I do), even talk with relatives that are no longer here (just like you talk with God). The activity of the walk will also do your body and mind good. You'll feel so much better. And, don't forget that pedometer because seeing that number add up makes one feel good too! Something else you can do is go look through some photo albums and reminisce of past family times together. I'm sure there are great photos of times when dad was healthier and active. Recall those times and enjoy the memories you've built. Ok, so perhaps there aren't too many fond memories of dad because your relationship wasn't the greatest. So instead, how about thinking about the relationship you have with your own kids. How do you want that to be in 10-20 years? What do you want to be in that time? My guess is you want to be healthy and active and give yourself a shot at living a nice long life - right? Well...are poor eating choices and lack of exercise going to do that for you (or even give you that chance)? Probably not. Sooo...what should you do? Well I say, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and remember and focus on what it is you want and what will help you get there. Sure, it isn't up to us when our time is up on this earth. However, wouldn't you rather spend the time you have living the most fabulous life and enjoying it rather than struggling with weight. Follow the active and healthy lifestyle you know and the success of weight loss will follow. Food choices, exercise and mental are all a part of the process. If you're not happy, you're not going to do really well. Get it together and let's go!
Who's in this? YOU are!! (me too)
P.S. I expect to see some positive updates going forward. :)
Peace - Love - Smiles
Dottie
Friday, October 21, 2011
Emotions and Derailment
I stepped on that awful scale this morning. Why? Not sure. I knew I'd see a gain...a number I wouldn't be happy with. It was true. 267 displayed across the screen. Ugh. I can't be upset about it though because when you don't exercise as much and you're eating not so great...the scale will reflect the behavior.
My dad having cancer and knowing he will not get better is obviously affecting me emotionally on very large levels. I still feel numb really. I feel sad though too. I did want to cry this morning after getting on the scale. I've also had a headache for days. It's been raining and cold weatherwise. And it's Shark Week (that Time of Month). It's all raining down on me. And it's quite evident that when it comes to eating, I'm not as strong as I'd like to be.
This week, I've consumed things I shouldn't be. Soda pop, burgers, french fries, chicken nuggets, plenty of chocolate. Now I'm not saying that I can't ever have stuff like this, but I should be limiting it for certain.
There was a time earlier in the year, beginning of summer maybe, when exercise was a passion, healthy food, nutrition, fitness, etc. All of it was a passion. If I didn't get to exercise, I was upset. Of course, all through that time, I didn't lose any weight. But I still exercised and enjoyed it. It's pretty much been in the last couple weeks since finding out about my dad that this train of fitness has derailed.
The thing is though...I need to get the emotions in check because I don't want to gain anymore weight back. I don't want to fail. I don't want to have to go back on blood sugar or blood pressure meds. I don't want any of that. I certainly don't want to see 300 again. So, even with all the emotional stuff going on, I need to find strength. I need to make the right choices, I need to exercise. Even though my dad's life is coming to a close, doesn't mean mine should. Something as tough as this even shouldn't be an excuse to allow myself to treat myself so poorly.
Why do we do this? Why do I do this? The junk food certainly isn't helping anything! The lack of exercise isn't helping anything.It's not making dad better and it's not making you better! Yes, now I'm talking to myself! Think about this! What do you want? Think about this, your mom passed away at the age of 56 due to morbid obesity related issues. You hated seeing her in that condition. It hurt you. Your dad, age 60 is basically dying of lung cancer that has traveled to the brain. He spent a life of smoking and drinking and drugs. (Luckily you didn't get into any of that). However, food was your drug. You've got that addictive behavior gene. You need to listen to the mind and focus. You need to remember that you are worth it. Yes, it is hard work. No, you can not give up. You can not ever give up. NGU!
What do you want?
I want to be healthy.
I don't want to die young.
I don't want my kids to see me suffering from morbid obesity related issues.
I want to be fit.
I want to be muscular and active.
I want to have grandkids one day and see them graduate high school.
I want to be under 200 lbs.
I want to be able to run.
I want to be able to jump and dance.
I want to LIVE.
Make a plan that you can stick to and go for it. These things can be yours. YOU have to want it enough. YOU have to work for it. Are you a coward? Are you afraid? You're NOT and you shouldn't be!! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF MISS DOTTIE MAY!
A very good friend shared this video with me...it's quite awesome. To that friend...you're awesome and I thank God for you.
My dad having cancer and knowing he will not get better is obviously affecting me emotionally on very large levels. I still feel numb really. I feel sad though too. I did want to cry this morning after getting on the scale. I've also had a headache for days. It's been raining and cold weatherwise. And it's Shark Week (that Time of Month). It's all raining down on me. And it's quite evident that when it comes to eating, I'm not as strong as I'd like to be.
This week, I've consumed things I shouldn't be. Soda pop, burgers, french fries, chicken nuggets, plenty of chocolate. Now I'm not saying that I can't ever have stuff like this, but I should be limiting it for certain.
There was a time earlier in the year, beginning of summer maybe, when exercise was a passion, healthy food, nutrition, fitness, etc. All of it was a passion. If I didn't get to exercise, I was upset. Of course, all through that time, I didn't lose any weight. But I still exercised and enjoyed it. It's pretty much been in the last couple weeks since finding out about my dad that this train of fitness has derailed.
The thing is though...I need to get the emotions in check because I don't want to gain anymore weight back. I don't want to fail. I don't want to have to go back on blood sugar or blood pressure meds. I don't want any of that. I certainly don't want to see 300 again. So, even with all the emotional stuff going on, I need to find strength. I need to make the right choices, I need to exercise. Even though my dad's life is coming to a close, doesn't mean mine should. Something as tough as this even shouldn't be an excuse to allow myself to treat myself so poorly.
Why do we do this? Why do I do this? The junk food certainly isn't helping anything! The lack of exercise isn't helping anything.It's not making dad better and it's not making you better! Yes, now I'm talking to myself! Think about this! What do you want? Think about this, your mom passed away at the age of 56 due to morbid obesity related issues. You hated seeing her in that condition. It hurt you. Your dad, age 60 is basically dying of lung cancer that has traveled to the brain. He spent a life of smoking and drinking and drugs. (Luckily you didn't get into any of that). However, food was your drug. You've got that addictive behavior gene. You need to listen to the mind and focus. You need to remember that you are worth it. Yes, it is hard work. No, you can not give up. You can not ever give up. NGU!
What do you want?
I want to be healthy.
I don't want to die young.
I don't want my kids to see me suffering from morbid obesity related issues.
I want to be fit.
I want to be muscular and active.
I want to have grandkids one day and see them graduate high school.
I want to be under 200 lbs.
I want to be able to run.
I want to be able to jump and dance.
I want to LIVE.
Make a plan that you can stick to and go for it. These things can be yours. YOU have to want it enough. YOU have to work for it. Are you a coward? Are you afraid? You're NOT and you shouldn't be!! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF MISS DOTTIE MAY!
A very good friend shared this video with me...it's quite awesome. To that friend...you're awesome and I thank God for you.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Emotions and Thoughts
What better place to put this down? I'm not sure if anyone reads this stuff, but doesn't really matter. It's a place for me to get all this stuff in my head and heart out.
Have you ever been doing something with your family; spouse, kids, etc. and found that while you're having a good time - parts of your mind and even your heart are elsewhere? I'm glad I have a big huge compassionate heart! Don't take this wrong way. I absolutely love my family. But there have been some changes going on with this little girl and it's been quite a ride...a roller coaster even.
My kids don't really factor into this at all. This is more my husband. I love him, but lately since I've lost about 143 lbs so far...things seem different at times. I'm sure that its a result of my weight loss. Different good or bad I guess depends on how you look at it. The changes with me personally are good because I'm healthier, more fit, more energetic, more confidence AND a lot more outgoing. When I was fat (or should I say fatter) because I'm still not at goal. I was VERY quiet, shy, kept to myself and my family and that was it. My best friend for years was my mom - until she passed and then my husband. I know that that can be okay, but I think I'm learning that perhaps that's not okay...especially with how much more confident I am. Am I even making any sense? I really do know what I wanna say. Being sheltered inside a little box is not a fun way to live. I did make the best of it sure.
But now... I'm more confident and I desire to venture outside that box. I've made a very good friend recently and it so happens that he is a guy. I feel so much love in my heart for this person. And because he is a guy, should I be feeling guilty because of that? I've told my husband of this friendship...of course I don't tell him of all the conversations because frankly, I wouldn't tell him of conversations I have with a 'girl' friend either. There are things that even a spouse doesn't need to know...isn't there? OK, so that's how I feel about it anyway. Fact is, my husband has been treating me a little different too and I'm not sure if I like it or not. I know he loves me and it's like he has suddenly become more clingy. I should like this right? Problem is... I'm not liking it. I'm feeling like I'm on a leash. I'm feeling he doesn't trust me. Does he...I don't know. Should he? Yes (but I admit I have some fears lately).
Back in 2002, my husband had gastric bypass surgery and lost lots of weight. He got down to perhaps a size 34. In 2005, he jumped the fence and had an affair with a friend of ours. Turns out she was his friend...not so much mine. What made him do this? I took the blame. Because I was fat and depressed and wasn't there "romantically". He had to find sex somewhere. I will never forget when he told me. It was September. We sat on the bed and he told me he had 'been' with her. Wow. I was angry and hurt. It was something I never expected. I went to my neighbor to talk. Glad she was there. Anyway. He left and went to stay with her. I had NO self-esteem, NO self-confidence and being a single mom scared the crap out of me. I didn't think I could do it and didn't want to. It didn't help that at the same time this was going on, my mom was in the hospital and not doing so well. I was completely lost, didn't really have any friends to turn to and my mom couldn't help because she wasn't doing well. My dad...well I'm not sure he could help either...he himself had affairs and I have a half sister as a result. I cried...a lot. I pretty much didn't know how I was going to live. I remember how angry I got when he would come get the kids for a weekend visit and she would be with. How could fat me compete with that? I had no idea what I was going to do. There was some point in late October I remember watching the kids take off with him. I sat on the couch and I cried...cried...prayed. I specifically remember my prayer... "Please God, I cannot handle losing both my mom and my husband all at once. If I must lose one, please let me keep the other." Well...by November, my husband chose to come back. I had it within me to forgive...but as you can see...I've not forgotten. Our relationship seemed to get better too. So maybe that needed to happen...I really don't know. But, come February 13, 2006...I lost my mom. I miss her so. She was only 56.
So...perhaps because he affaired, he fears I will. I honestly cant say as though I would have an affair. I can't see that in me. I'm too honest. I can't lie and won't and the thought of having sex with someone else while being married...is not appealing. But I do sometimes fear or wonder will my new found confidence have a negative impact on my marriage? All I can do is pray for continued guidance and strength. So much is changing about me. I don't want to live sheltered in a box. I want to have friends outside that box...even if they are guys.
I think writing this out has helped me understand why I have difficulty being friends with women (at least in my real life world)...all the drama aside. With all I've been through, it's hard for me to trust a woman. With a guy, there's no fear of my husband running off with him. Ok, you gotta admit that's a little funny.
I'm in love with the new me I'm becoming. And even though it's a little scary...I'm going to embrace it and accept and deal with whatever life hands me.
♥Dottie
Have you ever been doing something with your family; spouse, kids, etc. and found that while you're having a good time - parts of your mind and even your heart are elsewhere? I'm glad I have a big huge compassionate heart! Don't take this wrong way. I absolutely love my family. But there have been some changes going on with this little girl and it's been quite a ride...a roller coaster even.
My kids don't really factor into this at all. This is more my husband. I love him, but lately since I've lost about 143 lbs so far...things seem different at times. I'm sure that its a result of my weight loss. Different good or bad I guess depends on how you look at it. The changes with me personally are good because I'm healthier, more fit, more energetic, more confidence AND a lot more outgoing. When I was fat (or should I say fatter) because I'm still not at goal. I was VERY quiet, shy, kept to myself and my family and that was it. My best friend for years was my mom - until she passed and then my husband. I know that that can be okay, but I think I'm learning that perhaps that's not okay...especially with how much more confident I am. Am I even making any sense? I really do know what I wanna say. Being sheltered inside a little box is not a fun way to live. I did make the best of it sure.
But now... I'm more confident and I desire to venture outside that box. I've made a very good friend recently and it so happens that he is a guy. I feel so much love in my heart for this person. And because he is a guy, should I be feeling guilty because of that? I've told my husband of this friendship...of course I don't tell him of all the conversations because frankly, I wouldn't tell him of conversations I have with a 'girl' friend either. There are things that even a spouse doesn't need to know...isn't there? OK, so that's how I feel about it anyway. Fact is, my husband has been treating me a little different too and I'm not sure if I like it or not. I know he loves me and it's like he has suddenly become more clingy. I should like this right? Problem is... I'm not liking it. I'm feeling like I'm on a leash. I'm feeling he doesn't trust me. Does he...I don't know. Should he? Yes (but I admit I have some fears lately).
Back in 2002, my husband had gastric bypass surgery and lost lots of weight. He got down to perhaps a size 34. In 2005, he jumped the fence and had an affair with a friend of ours. Turns out she was his friend...not so much mine. What made him do this? I took the blame. Because I was fat and depressed and wasn't there "romantically". He had to find sex somewhere. I will never forget when he told me. It was September. We sat on the bed and he told me he had 'been' with her. Wow. I was angry and hurt. It was something I never expected. I went to my neighbor to talk. Glad she was there. Anyway. He left and went to stay with her. I had NO self-esteem, NO self-confidence and being a single mom scared the crap out of me. I didn't think I could do it and didn't want to. It didn't help that at the same time this was going on, my mom was in the hospital and not doing so well. I was completely lost, didn't really have any friends to turn to and my mom couldn't help because she wasn't doing well. My dad...well I'm not sure he could help either...he himself had affairs and I have a half sister as a result. I cried...a lot. I pretty much didn't know how I was going to live. I remember how angry I got when he would come get the kids for a weekend visit and she would be with. How could fat me compete with that? I had no idea what I was going to do. There was some point in late October I remember watching the kids take off with him. I sat on the couch and I cried...cried...prayed. I specifically remember my prayer... "Please God, I cannot handle losing both my mom and my husband all at once. If I must lose one, please let me keep the other." Well...by November, my husband chose to come back. I had it within me to forgive...but as you can see...I've not forgotten. Our relationship seemed to get better too. So maybe that needed to happen...I really don't know. But, come February 13, 2006...I lost my mom. I miss her so. She was only 56.
So...perhaps because he affaired, he fears I will. I honestly cant say as though I would have an affair. I can't see that in me. I'm too honest. I can't lie and won't and the thought of having sex with someone else while being married...is not appealing. But I do sometimes fear or wonder will my new found confidence have a negative impact on my marriage? All I can do is pray for continued guidance and strength. So much is changing about me. I don't want to live sheltered in a box. I want to have friends outside that box...even if they are guys.
I think writing this out has helped me understand why I have difficulty being friends with women (at least in my real life world)...all the drama aside. With all I've been through, it's hard for me to trust a woman. With a guy, there's no fear of my husband running off with him. Ok, you gotta admit that's a little funny.
I'm in love with the new me I'm becoming. And even though it's a little scary...I'm going to embrace it and accept and deal with whatever life hands me.
♥Dottie
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Happy Saturday
I really like to blog when I have something on my mind; but it would appear that I really lack in creativity when it comes to creating a title for the entry. I figure the H4H - Day whatever has to be boring the crap out of everyone. I also figure that reading whatever I eat may be boring the crap out of some. But, there also might be at least one person out there who appreciates me writing this down; other than me that is.
Today is Saturday, 9/11 and of course its a day that has become a day no American will ever forget. On this day we remember the tragedy that struck and take a moment of silence for those that were taken on that day as well as their families. It seems hard to believe its been 9 years already. I remember where I was at that moment. I suppose its much like my grandparents remember where they were during the attacks on Pearl Harbor or my mom remembering where she was when Kennedy was shot. Sad things happen and it is unfortunate. I just hope that our country can grow and learn. To those affected by times of sadness - I wish you peace and comfort.
I have had a great day so far spending time with my family and my kids' guy friends. We've been playing a game they call Freeze, which is basically acting out different scenes. The one sitting out decides when to call "freeze" then they jump in and take the place of someone and chooses how the skit will continue. It was the first time I played and it was really quite fun.
Food wise, I'm doing fine. I have had some treats, but really very limited amounts - not even full servings sizes. If there's one thing that is certainly different about me its that I'm very conscious of what I'm putting in my mouth. I'm also exercising!
This week on Wednesday, I walked 2.3 miles in approx. 45 minutes. On Thursday, I went for a bike ride. I was shooting for 10 miles, but darkness creeped up on me rather quickly and I only did 7. Today has been raining and the only exercise I've done is walking around the store and playing with the kids. It's movement.
I'm about to enjoy dinner - homemade lasagne made by my husband. He's the cook of the family. I'll have a small piece and possibly a very small sliver of garlic bread. On the side, some saute`d red bell peppers and mushrooms. Sounds like a lot so I'm not sure how much I'll get through; especially being pasta. I can't eat too much of that without feeling extremely and sometimes overly full.
The other day I battled the chocolate demon as I called it. That day I won. Today, I wasn't craving anything chocolate but I chose to eat about 5 or 6 peanut M&M's. The difference between today and the other day...I felt way more in control today. The other day had I given in, I'm quite certain I would've gone overboard.
I'm so grateful I'm finally feeling in control of my eating and my exercise.
I hope your weekend is going well.
♥ Dottie
P.S. I've decided to create a separate page for the Food Diary.
Today is Saturday, 9/11 and of course its a day that has become a day no American will ever forget. On this day we remember the tragedy that struck and take a moment of silence for those that were taken on that day as well as their families. It seems hard to believe its been 9 years already. I remember where I was at that moment. I suppose its much like my grandparents remember where they were during the attacks on Pearl Harbor or my mom remembering where she was when Kennedy was shot. Sad things happen and it is unfortunate. I just hope that our country can grow and learn. To those affected by times of sadness - I wish you peace and comfort.
I have had a great day so far spending time with my family and my kids' guy friends. We've been playing a game they call Freeze, which is basically acting out different scenes. The one sitting out decides when to call "freeze" then they jump in and take the place of someone and chooses how the skit will continue. It was the first time I played and it was really quite fun.
Food wise, I'm doing fine. I have had some treats, but really very limited amounts - not even full servings sizes. If there's one thing that is certainly different about me its that I'm very conscious of what I'm putting in my mouth. I'm also exercising!
This week on Wednesday, I walked 2.3 miles in approx. 45 minutes. On Thursday, I went for a bike ride. I was shooting for 10 miles, but darkness creeped up on me rather quickly and I only did 7. Today has been raining and the only exercise I've done is walking around the store and playing with the kids. It's movement.
I'm about to enjoy dinner - homemade lasagne made by my husband. He's the cook of the family. I'll have a small piece and possibly a very small sliver of garlic bread. On the side, some saute`d red bell peppers and mushrooms. Sounds like a lot so I'm not sure how much I'll get through; especially being pasta. I can't eat too much of that without feeling extremely and sometimes overly full.
The other day I battled the chocolate demon as I called it. That day I won. Today, I wasn't craving anything chocolate but I chose to eat about 5 or 6 peanut M&M's. The difference between today and the other day...I felt way more in control today. The other day had I given in, I'm quite certain I would've gone overboard.
I'm so grateful I'm finally feeling in control of my eating and my exercise.
I hope your weekend is going well.
♥ Dottie
P.S. I've decided to create a separate page for the Food Diary.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Derailment
I think it's safe to say that I've derailed. I didn't go to my last weigh in. But because I have a scale at home, I know I've gained a little. I haven't been completely unconscious with my eating. I just haven't been putting any effort into the weightloss aspect of it.
I was on my way to work this morning and broke down in tears. Driving is not a good time for crying, however at least I don't have to take the major busy highways. I was on the back roads and traveling at 30 maybe.
Last week I heard that one of my friends has cervical cancer. Now I know that cervical is very treatable if caught early, and that helps...but not completely. After that, my 8th grade daughter tells me that one of her classmates is in the hospital with cancer and that another of her classmates mother just passed away unexpectedly. She was only 30. And instead of these terrible things making me want to work harder at my efforts. They made me stop thinking so much about weightloss and focusing my attention on my family and just enjoying their company. The feelings I have are hard to explain. I'm not saying that losing weight is not important because it most certainly is. I'm just having a very hard time placing focus on that right now. I'm not an overly religious type person, but there are certainly times when I wonder "was I just meant to be big". Was that His plan for me? Obviously, how would I know.
But the bottom line is... I'm enjoying life in the aspect that I love being around my family - kids, husband, etc. But, the pain in my knees and feet isn't fun to put up with on a daily basis. So I know I need to step up on the activity. I know I can find fun (non work) ways to do that...exercise in disguise if you will.
I hope this derailment doesn't last too terribly long. The holidays are coming very soon. Christmas hasn't been the same since my mom passed away and now this year on my dad's side... there have been issues as well so there probably won't be any gatherings there. I'm the type that gets very torn up emotionally when family issues arise. I like to think that family shouldn't be so disrespectful of each other. But for some reason, there are those that just are.
I just had to get some thoughts out. I hope you all are doing well.
I was on my way to work this morning and broke down in tears. Driving is not a good time for crying, however at least I don't have to take the major busy highways. I was on the back roads and traveling at 30 maybe.
Last week I heard that one of my friends has cervical cancer. Now I know that cervical is very treatable if caught early, and that helps...but not completely. After that, my 8th grade daughter tells me that one of her classmates is in the hospital with cancer and that another of her classmates mother just passed away unexpectedly. She was only 30. And instead of these terrible things making me want to work harder at my efforts. They made me stop thinking so much about weightloss and focusing my attention on my family and just enjoying their company. The feelings I have are hard to explain. I'm not saying that losing weight is not important because it most certainly is. I'm just having a very hard time placing focus on that right now. I'm not an overly religious type person, but there are certainly times when I wonder "was I just meant to be big". Was that His plan for me? Obviously, how would I know.
But the bottom line is... I'm enjoying life in the aspect that I love being around my family - kids, husband, etc. But, the pain in my knees and feet isn't fun to put up with on a daily basis. So I know I need to step up on the activity. I know I can find fun (non work) ways to do that...exercise in disguise if you will.
I hope this derailment doesn't last too terribly long. The holidays are coming very soon. Christmas hasn't been the same since my mom passed away and now this year on my dad's side... there have been issues as well so there probably won't be any gatherings there. I'm the type that gets very torn up emotionally when family issues arise. I like to think that family shouldn't be so disrespectful of each other. But for some reason, there are those that just are.
I just had to get some thoughts out. I hope you all are doing well.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Emotional Testing
My emotions are going to be tested I just know it. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. She passed away on Feb. 13 2006. Tomorrow she would be turning 59. She was young when she passed. I don't want to tell the whole story now, because she will be the subject of my posting tomorrow. I'll be thinking about her - heck I already am. I've always been an emotional eater so I know this will be a pretty big test for me. I've already been feeling a little blue today and have been doing fine so far. I had some mixed nuts today and an energy drink. For lunch, a turkey wrap with lettuce and tomato and a Fuze Slenderize (Cranberry/Raspberry) to drink. Don't forget the water I've been drinking as well. So... so far, I'm doing fine. I'm hoping that I can keep my goal in mind and remember that what I'm doing is for my better health so that I can live much longer. Note to Self: Eat when you are hungry...really hungry... not sad, happy, depressed etc. You can do this. Remember WHY you want to do this.
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