Derailment

I think it's safe to say that I've derailed. I didn't go to my last weigh in. But because I have a scale at home, I know I've gained a little. I haven't been completely unconscious with my eating. I just haven't been putting any effort into the weightloss aspect of it.

I was on my way to work this morning and broke down in tears. Driving is not a good time for crying, however at least I don't have to take the major busy highways. I was on the back roads and traveling at 30 maybe.

Last week I heard that one of my friends has cervical cancer. Now I know that cervical is very treatable if caught early, and that helps...but not completely. After that, my 8th grade daughter tells me that one of her classmates is in the hospital with cancer and that another of her classmates mother just passed away unexpectedly. She was only 30. And instead of these terrible things making me want to work harder at my efforts. They made me stop thinking so much about weightloss and focusing my attention on my family and just enjoying their company. The feelings I have are hard to explain. I'm not saying that losing weight is not important because it most certainly is. I'm just having a very hard time placing focus on that right now. I'm not an overly religious type person, but there are certainly times when I wonder "was I just meant to be big". Was that His plan for me? Obviously, how would I know.

But the bottom line is... I'm enjoying life in the aspect that I love being around my family - kids, husband, etc. But, the pain in my knees and feet isn't fun to put up with on a daily basis. So I know I need to step up on the activity. I know I can find fun (non work) ways to do that...exercise in disguise if you will.

I hope this derailment doesn't last too terribly long. The holidays are coming very soon. Christmas hasn't been the same since my mom passed away and now this year on my dad's side... there have been issues as well so there probably won't be any gatherings there. I'm the type that gets very torn up emotionally when family issues arise. I like to think that family shouldn't be so disrespectful of each other. But for some reason, there are those that just are.

I just had to get some thoughts out. I hope you all are doing well.