Emotions and Thoughts

What better place to put this down?  I'm not sure if anyone reads this stuff, but doesn't really matter. It's a place for me to get all this stuff in my head and heart out.

Have you ever been doing something with your family; spouse, kids, etc. and found that while you're having a good time - parts of your mind and even your heart are elsewhere?  I'm glad I have a big huge compassionate heart!  Don't take this wrong way. I absolutely love my family.  But there have been some changes going on with this little girl and it's been quite a ride...a roller coaster even.

My kids don't really factor into this at all.  This is more my husband.  I love him, but lately since I've lost about 143 lbs so far...things seem different at times.  I'm sure that its a result of my weight loss. Different good or bad I guess depends on how you look at it.   The changes with me personally are good because I'm healthier, more fit, more energetic, more confidence AND a lot more outgoing.  When I was fat (or should I say fatter) because I'm still not at goal.  I was VERY quiet, shy, kept to myself and my family and that was it.  My best friend for years was my mom - until she passed and then my husband.  I know that that can be okay, but I think I'm learning that perhaps that's not okay...especially with how much more confident I am.  Am I even making any sense?  I really do know what I wanna say.  Being sheltered inside a little box is not a fun way to live.  I did make the best of it sure. 

But now... I'm more confident and I desire to venture outside that box.  I've made a very good friend recently and it so happens that he is a guy.  I feel so much love in my heart for this person.  And because he is a guy, should I be feeling guilty because of that?  I've told my husband of this friendship...of course I don't tell him of all the conversations because frankly, I wouldn't tell him of conversations I have with a 'girl' friend either.  There are things that even a spouse doesn't need to know...isn't there?  OK, so that's how I feel about it anyway.  Fact is, my husband has been treating me a little different too and I'm not sure if I like it or not.  I know he loves me and it's like he has suddenly become more clingy.  I should like this right?  Problem is... I'm not liking it.  I'm feeling like I'm on a leash.  I'm feeling he doesn't trust me.  Does he...I don't know. Should he?  Yes (but I admit I have some fears lately).  

Back in 2002, my husband had gastric bypass surgery and lost lots of weight.  He got down to perhaps a size 34.  In 2005, he jumped the fence and had an affair with a friend of ours.  Turns out she was his friend...not so much mine.  What made him do this?  I took the blame.  Because I was fat and depressed and wasn't there "romantically". He had to find sex somewhere.   I will never forget when he told me.  It was September.  We sat on the bed and he told me he had 'been' with her.  Wow.  I was angry and hurt.  It was something I never expected.  I went to my neighbor to talk.  Glad she was there.  Anyway. He left and went to stay with her.  I had NO self-esteem, NO self-confidence and being a single mom scared the crap out of me. I didn't think I could do it and didn't want to.  It didn't help that at the same time this was going on, my mom was in the hospital and not doing so well.  I was completely lost, didn't really have any friends to turn to and my mom couldn't help because she wasn't doing well.  My dad...well I'm not sure he could help either...he himself had affairs and I have a half sister as a result.  I cried...a lot.  I pretty much didn't know how I was going to live.  I remember how angry I got when he would come get the kids for a weekend visit and she would be with.  How could fat me compete with that?  I had no idea what I was going to do.   There was some point in late October I remember watching the kids take off with him.  I sat on the couch and I cried...cried...prayed.  I specifically remember my prayer...  "Please God, I cannot handle losing both my mom and my husband all at once.  If I must lose one, please let me keep the other."   Well...by November, my husband chose to come back.  I had it within me to forgive...but as you can see...I've not forgotten.  Our relationship seemed to get better too. So maybe that needed to happen...I really don't know.  But, come February 13, 2006...I lost my mom.  I miss her so. She was only 56.

So...perhaps because he affaired, he fears I will.  I honestly cant say as though I would have an affair.  I can't see that in me.  I'm too honest.  I can't lie and won't and the thought of having sex with someone else while being married...is not appealing.  But I do sometimes fear or wonder will my new found confidence have a negative impact on my marriage?  All I can do is pray for continued guidance and strength.  So much is changing about me.  I don't want to live sheltered in a box.  I want to have friends outside that box...even if they are guys. 

I think writing this out has helped me understand why I have difficulty being friends with women (at least in my real life world)...all the drama aside.  With all I've been through, it's hard for me to trust a woman.  With a guy, there's no fear of my husband running off with him.  Ok, you gotta admit that's a little funny.

I'm in love with the new me I'm becoming.  And even though it's a little scary...I'm going to embrace it and accept and deal with whatever life hands me. 

♥Dottie