An Update

It’s been a while since I’ve visited or written in this blog. Can’t say as though the reason for that is because I met all my weight loss goals and life is perfect. Sounds good, but no, that’s not the case. I have been doing YouTube videos on occasion still. Things get busy and I just don’t take the time to write even though I find that writing is very therapeutic and something I enjoy.


I’ve been dealing with a lot of depression again. I don’t like it. I’ve been going to counseling since January. I started because of the feelings I was having after my dad passed away in November of 2011. It’s been over a year since his passing already. Time flies. In March, my good friend Heidi passed away. I think that is what really triggered more grief. Losing a parent is difficult. I won’t lie. But there’s something different about losing a best friend who is close in age. Heidi was like a sister. I loved her to bits. I often tried helping her too. She had a lot of pain in her life. She liked to drink and take a lot of pills trying to relieve herself of the pain. She dealt with all of this for months. Finally she was diagnosed with MS. Things went down quickly from there. I’m not sure why and will never know, but she wandered away from her daughter’s house one evening and was found face down in a pond the next day. That day was my daughter’s birthday, March 7. I cried. I was angry too because I wasn’t able to help her…she didn’t let me come over when I asked. I offered. I did. I think she had too much pride and didn’t want me seeing her in the condition she was. It was a tough time though. In July, my dog and her puppies died. Another loss. So in the last year, this loss has triggered a lot of grief. I never fully grieved the loss of my mom (passed in 2006). In August, my husband had some weird feelings in his chest and I got so scared. I ended up having panic/anxiety attacks. I had never had anything like this before and it scared me and my husband and daughter too. I ended up having time off work for a good 6 to 8 weeks. I’m now back to work, but I have to admit, it’s a bit tough. I’ve been having headaches almost daily. I think I can safely say, that my job just doesn’t fit anymore. My heart isn’t here and I just don’t feel very happy. I’ve decided to pursue returning to school. That’s as long as I can get financial aid because I certainly can’t afford it otherwise. I haven’t completely decided what I’ll take, but I’m thinking career move. I’ve even been looking at a bible college. Talk about different! Right now, I work in the Information Technology field. The other thought was business or web design. But, I don’t know. That didn’t seem to spark my heart when I thought about it.

As far as my weight….it’s horrible. I got on that scale this morning (fully clothed) and was 297 lbs. I wanted to cry quite honestly. I’m so close to 300 it’s painful. I’ll admit that the depression and hormones being so out of whack is having a big effect on all of it. There are times when I never feel full or satisfied. One would never even know I had weight loss surgery once upon a time. I’m trying hard not to feel like a fail. I know there are some other things factoring in here. Depression and Obesity are both diseases and they certainly don’t play well together. One feeds off the other quite literally. Both run in my family too. I should feel good about the fact that I (unlike those before me) am really trying to break the cycle. I really don’t want to see my kids struggle so much with depression. I haven’t been placing a lot of focus on the weight lately because I want to work through the depression. Counseling has been helping. I’m currently working on a book called “Making Peace with your Parents”. I’ve been identifying and dealing with a long list of resentments with my dad. It’s not been easy, but it’s been helpful. One might think that once your parent has passed on, everything is good and you can feel free. Perhaps some feel that way. But not me. I was still carrying around fear of my dad.

I like to believe that once I get through a lot of this grieving and find some inner peace, then I can naturally begin to lose weight. I feel like my body is hanging on to it for reasons I don’t quite understand. I do know that my body isn’t thrilled. My feet always hurt and I’ve been having these headaches, etc. I think I need to keep blogging again. Writing just may be some good medicine.

Take care and have yourself a good day. I’ll be back.

Peace.Love.Smiles