Emotions and Derailment

I stepped on that awful scale this morning. Why?  Not sure.  I knew I'd see a gain...a number I wouldn't be happy with.  It was true.  267 displayed across the screen. Ugh.  I can't be upset about it though because when you don't exercise as much and you're eating not so great...the scale will reflect the behavior.

My dad having cancer and knowing he will not get better is obviously affecting me emotionally on very large levels.  I still feel numb really.  I feel sad though too.  I did want to cry this morning after getting on the scale.  I've also had a headache for days.  It's been raining and cold weatherwise.  And it's Shark Week (that Time of Month).  It's all raining down on me.  And it's quite evident that when it comes to eating, I'm not as strong as I'd like to be. 

This week, I've consumed things I shouldn't be.  Soda pop, burgers, french fries, chicken nuggets, plenty of chocolate.  Now I'm not saying that I can't ever have stuff like this, but I should be limiting it for certain. 

There was a time earlier in the year, beginning of summer maybe, when exercise was a passion, healthy food, nutrition, fitness, etc. All of it was a passion.  If I didn't get to exercise, I was upset.  Of course, all through that time, I didn't lose any weight.  But I still exercised and enjoyed it.  It's pretty much been in the last couple weeks since finding out about my dad that this train of fitness has derailed. 

The thing is though...I need to get the emotions in check because I don't want to gain anymore weight back.  I don't want to fail.  I don't want to have to go back on blood sugar or blood pressure meds. I don't want any of that.  I certainly don't want to see 300 again.  So, even with all the emotional stuff going on, I need to find strength.  I need to make the right choices, I need to exercise.  Even though my dad's life is coming to a close, doesn't mean mine should.  Something as tough as this even shouldn't be an excuse to allow myself to treat myself so poorly. 

Why do we do this?  Why do I do this?  The junk food certainly isn't helping anything! The lack of exercise isn't helping anything.It's not making dad better and it's not making you better!  Yes, now I'm talking to myself!  Think about this!  What do you want?  Think about this, your mom passed away at the age of 56 due to morbid obesity related issues.  You hated seeing her in that condition. It hurt you.  Your dad, age 60 is basically dying of lung cancer that has traveled to the brain.  He spent a life of smoking and drinking and drugs. (Luckily you didn't get into any of that).  However, food was your drug.  You've got that addictive behavior gene. You need to listen to the mind and focus.  You need to remember that you are worth it.  Yes, it is hard work. No, you can not give up.  You can not ever give up.  NGU! 

What do you want?
I want to be healthy.
I don't want to die young.
I don't want my kids to see me suffering from morbid obesity related issues.
I want to be fit.
I want to be muscular and active.
I want to have grandkids one day and see them graduate high school.
I want to be under 200 lbs.
I want to be able to run.
I want to be able to jump and dance.
I want to LIVE.

Make a plan that you can stick to and go for it. These things can be yours. YOU have to want it enough. YOU have to work for it.  Are you a coward? Are you afraid?  You're NOT and you shouldn't be!!  BELIEVE IN YOURSELF MISS DOTTIE MAY! 

A very good friend shared this video with me...it's quite awesome. To that friend...you're awesome and I thank God for you.

I Fell Off and I'm Disappointed

The last month (at least), I've been feeling down and I don't know why. I'm not able to explain it. I don't understand it. Every now and then, I would just sit and cry. I couldn't bring myself to get on the scale either; hence the reason I haven't been on here in a while. Well... I just weighed myself and disappointed to report that I have gained. I'm back up to 349. Not cool. I just wish I knew what the deal is. A few months back, I was feeling so good. I was in great moods and everything. Things seemed to finally be looking up and then....something happened. I derailed. Pretty hard it seems. I still want to cry. What I need to do those is get this big fat caboose back up and hooked up to the train and get back on track.

I've been trying to evaluate things to see if I can figure out why I've been feeling the way I do and I just haven't figured it out. I'm quite frustrated about it. I recently signed up for a Disciple class at church. It starts on September 13. I'm hoping that becoming stronger spiritually will help. At times, I find myself really missing my mom and my grandparents. Seeing them, hugging them talking to them and hearing their laughter. I look at my kids and see how fast they are growing and I get scared of the time when they are both out of high school and out on their own. My life has been all about them. I love them so much and it seems so weird to think of them out on their own. I'm so emotional. It's so hard for me to think more about myself. I think that is part of my problem too. I've always put focus on the others (my husband or kids, my work, everything....but me). I find it hard to put so much thought into myself. Why is that? Does it stem from my poor self esteem that I've dealt with since childhood? Can I not get away from that awful nickname my dad use to call me (Porky). Do I feel a need somewhere deep within to live up to that nickname? Why do I have such a difficult time seeing that I'm a child of God and worth so much? I'm really hoping the Disciple class will help in many ways.

It's really no fun being so sad feeling. Time is flying so fast. I really need to start enjoying this blessing that is my life. With that I'll be saying a prayer...for myself as well.

I hope that you are doing better than I have been doing.

God Bless

♥ Dottie

This Week's Weigh In

I have today off work and so I have a little time to do an update! Yay!

It looks mighty beautiful outside. The birds are chirping - I love that sound by the way. The sun is shining! In my opinion, it's pretty perfect. I have a lot planned today. I have to get my fasting blood work done this afternoon. No food for me yet today. I can handle it *wink*.

I weighed in Tuesday afternoon and I was down another 2 lbs. Hip Hip Hooray! I can't even begin to convey how much happier I am that I'm finally doing this and making it work. In our group meeting this week, we talked about urges. It was the Behaviorist presenting and asking us questions. We had to draw on a Human Body Outline what an urge looks like to us. Guess what I drew? A piece of pizza. I love pizza much like Garfield loves his lasagna I guess. It is probably one thing that if it's there, I will eat some. I'm glad I've been learning this moderation thing :) Anyway, pizza is an urge for me. My redirection for those urges.. I drew a camera. I love taking pictures and the beauty of the resulting image. It's a sense of pride - I took that! I've added some more pictures recently to my Flickr account. Check it out if you'd like :) My Photos - and feel free to comment if you'd like. Some of the earlier ones aren't the greatest quality, but I'm getting better.

Ok, back to the urges. Why do they exist? That was the next question. I learned that there are three main reasons: 1. Habit, 2. Biological (i.e. that time of the month) and 3.)Psychological and of course number 3 is the major reason for an urge. Why do you suppose that is? Urges are not about physical hunger. Overeating behavior is usually about some unmet need - a lot of us seek food in an attempt to fill that unmet need. Some of the warning signs of unmet needs:

1. Low self-esteem (yup that was definitely me)
2. Poor communication skills - difficult expressing needs and wants (yup..me again)
3. Lack of motivation (for some things...yup)
4. Depression (oh yeah...definitely)
5. Unusually high stress reactions - a level 10 response to a level 2 event. (probably... if you count crying a lot as a reaction to something)
6. Loneliness (yes, at times even though I have a husband and beautiful kids..I did feel lonliness at times)
7. Feeling a "loss of control" in life (I probably didn't think so at the time, but looking back..yup I was not in control)

By the way - they say urges last 10 to 15 minutes. So..that's why I pick up the camera. Doing that, takes my mind off the urges.

In my case, it was all about the depression and not taking control. I feared a lot. I didn't think I could do it. But once I took the first step to get help...there's no stopping me now. When there is depression involved, you really need to find help to begin the journey of weight loss. Help can come in all shapes and forms. My help and kick in the pants was going through the MMPC Weightloss program. I also started going to church and learning about God. I didn't have that growing up. By the way, singing is a great stress reliever too. I sing in the church choir now and I'm having fun with it. Building new friendships has been a huge help with the weight loss effort. They cheer for me each week when I share my successes. Someone like me who has always dealt with poor self-esteem and depression really needs that cheering and pat on the back. It makes me smile and feel worth it. It's a boost for the self-esteem. It's like a natural high!

So you there...reading this...do you have your cheering section? Do you deal with self-esteem issues or depression? Do you have urges?

Til the next time I post..peace and love.

♥ Dottie

The Journey Begins..

I decided to dedicate an entire blog to my weightloss efforts. I've been dealing with my weight for many years. I never had a weight problem until after high school. While I never had an issue with weight in high school, I always thought I was fat. Those thoughts actually began about 6th grade. I recall middle school and high school being so painful because I was so busy comparing myself to others. I was convinced I was fat and ugly and I wouldn't listen to anyone who told me otherwise.

As an adult, I have to honestly admit that I think those thoughts/extremely low self esteem are a result of the teasing my dad did. He called me Porky all the time. And, would constantly say "Stop acting like your mother". Note: my parents were divorced, my dad had custody - not too common then. He never realized the effects of that emotional abuse. Who knew (not even me) that I would grow up to be "Porky"...for real.

I could really go on and on, but I think I'll save some for later.