Been Awhile

I enjoy writing so why don't I visit and update this blog more often?  Perhaps it's all the other social media websites available now.  Facebook, You Tube, Google+ the list goes on.  I am on Facebook and I also do vlogging on YouTube.  I've been doing a daily video for over 260 days.  At times, that feels like a part time job in and of itself. 

At times, I wish I could make money off YouTube or blogging.  I imagine perhaps I could if I had something of interest that drew people in.  I just seem to lack that though. 

If by some small chance there is anyone that still reads this, have you wondered about me?  Curious how my weight loss is going?  Well, I'll do a little update I guess. 

Truth is, I haven't lost any weight since last November.  I've been tossing around the same 3 lbs or so.  Can we say plateau...or perhaps just really good at maintaining.  I do exercise still but I'm either eating too much or too little.  Perhaps some weeks I'm just not exercising enough.  I really haven't figured out the perfect formula for me.  And now, some emotional stuff as surfaced and things are just difficult.

I found out my dad has been dealing with lung cancer for a year now.  A year! And nobody but his wife and doctors knew.  He didn't want anyone knowing.  In the last month, it was discovered that his cancer has spread to his brain.  Latest scans show no improvement. Doctors will not be doing chemo.  He has been given about 6 months.  But one never really knows. I worry because we are going into winter when more illness goes around.  In his weakened state, a simple cold wouldn't be so simple.  Now, my dad and I haven't had the greatest of relationships.  He was a pot smoker and drug dealer and emotional/verbal abuser.  I did not respect him for his drug dealing or using.  And as a result when I became an adult I distanced myself.  I also kept my kids from him most of the time as I didn't want them exposed to any of that.  We did do our birthday and holiday visits, but that was pretty much it.  Now, none of this takes away the feelings of hurt and sadness that I feel as a result of his condition and eventual death.  Being my last living parent, it's tough.  Perhaps it's even tougher because of the poor relationship.  Do I feel guilty?  Should I?  I kind of do and at times feel like I was a less than adequate daughter.  However, being emotionally and verbally abused is not something one should have to expect from their father either.  That is all in the past and I have made strides to have a relationship with my dad.  I can feel good about that. 

I've been doing well not turning to food for comfort. However, when I do eat, it's not always the best choice.  And, when I'm dealing with that Time of Month...it's worse.  I tend to eat more chocolate...it's like I become obsessed or something at times. 

I'm trying to get a handle on my emotions right now.  Many times, I feel numb.  Other times I feel I could cry at the drop of a hat.  And then other times I feel somewhat strong.  There's no doubt a part of me is hurting. I think it's time to rebirth this blog and start writing more.  While I do vlogging, sometimes it's hard to get it all out in a video talking to a camera.  If there is anyone that reads this, I'd appreciate a comment to let me know you still follow. 

Currently...at work. Feeling: kind of numb.

Peace - Love - Smiles
Dottie