Have you read this post over at Carolyn's Quest? You should. I did and I found myself crying because... well... I really don't know why.
I'm so glad I've decided to do this journey and I'm certainly not willing to give up or throw the towel in. I just feel like I've gotten nowhere since early March. I know that's not a lot of time and I shouldn't be hard on myself. I'm just feeling 'emotional' I guess. Strange because TOM was last week. I just feel like I standing on a tall mountain and screaming at the top of my lungs - I HATE BEING FAT!! CAN ANYONE HEAR ME!!
Why do I feel guilty for liking food. Why do I feel like all eyes are on me and exactly as Carolyn put it in her post... I take the elevator and not only do I feel lazy, but I feel as though others will think of me that way. When the truth is I'm really not all that lazy, I just can't run 4 flights of stairs without killing myself. My knees ache really bad! Doesn't matter when I go up the stairs or down, my knees hurt and I feel like an invalid trying to make the climb! UGH!! I hate it. I loathe the idea of the fire drills that will be coming soon here at work. I'm on the 4th floor and will have to take those stairs down, holding up others because I'm so slow and fat! I'm so disappointed in myself!! I hate it - I hate it!! Am I having a break down here at work, because the tears keep coming.
Why is it when people see a fat person, they immediately label them as good for nothing lazy so and so's. I don't go labeling thin people. By no means are they all perfect. Many of them are so frickin egotistical, big headed, arrogant - how ever you want to put it. They think their crap don't stink. Well I got news for you!
I'm so sick of worrying about what the others around me are thinking of me when I order certain food or do certain things. Why do I do that and when did it start? Who taught me to be that way! Why must I always compare with others, why do I feel like it's a competition and I'm just one BIG FAT LOSER!! Why? Why? Why?
I sure hope I'm not teaching my kids anything like this. Because you know what... FAT OR NOT - I HAVE FEELINGS DAMMIT!
Sometimes I wonder if the thin people in a room (who've never been fat) really do have those feelings about us fat people or is it just something I've concocted in my own mind. When a fat person walks into a room for an job interview, what is the first thing that goes through that interviewers mind (if they're a thin, never been fat person)? Do we have a chance at getting the job? Maybe, but we have to work damn hard and getting past those intitial thoughts of the interviewer. Boy, she's fat, which means she must be lazy, which means she certainly wouldn't be very productive, which means the work would suffer, which means I better not even consider hiring her.
Yup... I'm stuck right now. A prisoner of this damn fat suit. I wish it would be as easy as unzipping it and removing it, but it's not. I gotta work damn hard to find the fit inner me. I REALLY wanna find her too. I could be sooooo HOT! And I wouldn't be surprised if I developed just a bit of attitude at first too! Like "Eat Shit! you thin people who used to make fun of me!"
OH MY GOSH, this is not my normal type post. I'm really having a day! Can I go home?
8 comments:
*BIG HUGS* I have no grand advice to give just some big hugs of understanding. So been there.
Deep breath, face forward and strike off down that path to a new, healthier, happier you!!
*huggles*
=0)
Sometimes you gotta go through it to realize that you want it REALLY bad. I had that day. The day where I just broke down and felt like I couldn't take it and that nobody understood and after that day I got on my path and started down the road to getting healthier.
In the past 6 months I've lost 99 lbs (damn 1 lb) and I started at 419.6 so i'm here to tell you that it can be done, it will be hard but all these blog people are here to help and they understand these feelings. So cry it out, but when you are done wipe away those tears and tell yourself that you will do this.
I'm sorry you're having a rough day.:(
I just want to give you a big hug! I totally understand what your feeling. All of it,(used to have fire drills and I was on the 11th floor!) It is natural to feel this way and as hard as it is try not to focus on what you think people are thinking. You have people that care about you and want you to be happy no matter how big you are. Screw all the others! Everyone likes food...we just like it a little more =) Think about all the good changes you've made and don't focus on the bad. You can do this and we are here for you!!!!!
I am sorry you had such a rough day. I appreciate you sharing your struggles with us. It is helpful for me to know those thoughts are not thoughts that only I have. so, you should know that as well.........we all have the same insecurities, thoughts and feelings. HUGS!!
Thank you for being so honest in your feelings. It is the greatest feeling in the world to know that although things suck, you're not alone! I have been having some discouragement lately, too, and I wish all of us weight loss bloggers could live in the same neighborhood to give more than just virtual support! But for what it's worth, I'm at my computer in a different state, cheering you, a total stranger, on! :) Go Dottie!
Wow... I had no idea that post would be that understood!! Honey, it sucks, but it's part of the journey... you are a source of inspiration for me (hence the fact you're linked to my page!!) and I appreciate your journey! Smile beautiful! ((HUGS)) I'll try not to be so philisophical!
Dottie, I know this is late (I just found your blog and started reading some of it) but I know what you mean and I don't think that its in your head that some people have opinions about a heavy person,I have dealt with that before, feeling as if someone was staring just a little too hard or the giggle that you heard behind you was because of (in my case) "look at that fat dude" and just last week I went for a walk and theres a Votech school working on a house a few blocks away and when I walked by for my daily walk heard a comment from inside the bus, and the shop teacher said something to them but I felt the need to walk on over. I asked if anyone had something to say to me now that my back is not to them and were face to face, the shop teacher said "go ahead say it now if you have something to say" and then apologized to me. I just laughed and walked off (I am not the quiet type in those situations) sometimes you just have to let someone know when they are being rude (even if they are teen agers, these were Juniors and seniors iin high school), and don't let it get to ya. I know that probably doesn't help but I thought I would post it up here.
I am working on reading more of your older posts this afternoon.
As Ever
Me
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