Refresh - Renew

This past week, I had a run in with the devil and I'll refer to it as a cross between a panic and anxiety attack. It's really quite a long story; but I'll say that it scared my kids and husband (and me).  It was as if years and years of anger, fear, etc. had reached a boiling point and I exploded like a shaken bottle of soda pop.  I spewed words I hardly remember.  The trigger: Fear for some medical things my husband was going through caused me to post the following on Facebook, which in turn caused some shaking and slight paranoia.  It was  huge act of courage on my part.

I'm about to spill something here and I don't normally do that on FB. I've spent my life worrying about what other's think. I've dealt with depression and anxiety and super morbid obesity. I know many of you will have your opinions on that. Opinions are okay. I normally don't talk much to anyone, not because I'm some sort of snob or think I'm better than you. Far from it. It's fear. Fear of what you might think of me. Fear I'll lose what little friendship we may have. Truth is I don't feel as though I have many friends nearby. That may be far from the truth but it's how I perceive it. I've lost some people in my life in that last few years either to death or severed friendships. Said severed friendships may have been my fault, maybe not. Doesn't matter. I do go to counseling and you may have an opinion of that too. Doesn't matter. Why am I saying this? Because I have a feeling there are many who perceive me as a snob because I don't talk much. I'm not. I don't think I'm better than anyone. Truth is I've always felt I was worse than everyone. Always...even in elementary school when I had no weight problem. My weight problem was due to several factors...not just laziness although I admit it was a part of it. The idea of eat less, move more may sound simple to most of you. And it is simple. UNLESS there are other issues involved and in many cases there are. I could go on and on about this. Some will read this and some won't. Some will pass judgement in their head or even verbally. I'm learning though that there is only one judge and it isn't any of you. I don't care what your position in life is. I'm learning that what has been missing in my life from day 1 is a strong relationship with Jesus. I have been a broken believer - I don't know if that makes sense but I know what I mean. I've heard talk of Jesus now and then but never a good solid faith. Please don't pass judgement without getting to know me. (I wrote this, Dorothy (Dottie) however it is you know me.) And this is the biggest act of courage I think I've taken in my life. God Bless me and God Bless Us All. Please pray for me and my family and I will do the same.

They prescribed some anxiety meds (sub for xanax) and I took one pill and had some uncomfortable side effects.  I decided, medicine like this is not for me.  I can eat healthy, supplement with vitamins, go to counseling and work on my relationship with Jesus, my Lord and Savior. I am winning the battle with the devil.

I'm going to focus on living one day at a time.  I feel as thought weight loss can occur naturally if I fill my life with joy and happiness.

I was going to start a brand new blog, but I've decided that my past is what makes me...Me.  While I don't want to 'live' in the past, I do want to acknowledge and use the memories in my healing process.

I'm still trying to decide the layout of this blog, but I do hope to use it regularly.  Writing and photography are a couple things I find therapeutic.

Peace. Love. Smile